Beware the darkness cloaked in fake love and false promises. It will bury deep beneath your skin and once in, devour you from the inside out. Like a human piranha, greedily feasting on the sweet nectar of your innocent essence. Beware the narc.
I had a narc friend once; once was enough. Having her in my life was equivalent to living with an un-diagnosed degenerative disease slowly eroding my emotional, mental, physical and spiritual well-being.
I'd never experienced a narc, it took a while for me to catch on. It also took a while to cleanse myself from her filthy negativity. I consider myself lucky, I know what I'm doing. For many the damage is deep, it can take years to shift, if they ever really get rid of it at all.
When you know what to look for spotting narcissism is easy; incessant love bombing is the first giveaway. The gush of "I love you" and “you’re amazing” texts, that looking back come way too early, and feel a little out of left field. But you tell yourself, "hey maybe they're just really loving, generous extroverts with big, wide open hearts."
Um NO, not even close.
A narc’s heart is shut tighter than Alcatraz.
Love bombing hooks us in, giving our narc time to decide if we're going to make a tasty on-going snack. Narcs feed off our energy. They have to; they've no inner supply of their own. It was cut off in childhood by a wound most likely inflicted by their own narcissistic parent causing them to also develop the same fucked up, destructive protection mechanism.
Think your narcs tough? Let me tell ya, there's a deep fragility that your narc would rather kill and serve life sentences back to back for than admit to.
If you're looking for vulnerability of any description, you'll turn to dust waiting.
Narcs don't do inwards. They can't, because they can't bear to look at the stinking, festering, pus filled wound their mama gave them that tattooed their soul in dirty ink with one word “worthless.” Yes, they appear to love themselves, but trust me, they loathe their own core, hence the need for the mask.
A narc’s first need is for our admiration, and then our confusion, fear and distress. They need control of our emotions so they can have power over us.
First they stop answering texts.
Then cancel last minute or don’t show up at all, leaving us exactly where they want us, dangling. They gaslight; they lead us to believe that we're the problem, that it’s our entire fault. They taunt and ignore, oh how they revel in rejecting us, knowing that they're causing confusion and creating obsession to gain their attention.
Every ounce of upset feeds their insatiable appetite for control and emotional destruction.
And just when our attention's about to wane, or we've had enough and we're ready to give up and move on, they love bomb all over again. Sucking us back into their web. Telling us what we need to hear, secretly delighting in their masterful puppeteering.
So just how do you disarm a narc?
The key is to see behind the mask and recognize truly, that inside our narc is a terrified, toxic, wounded little being with a deep inferiority complex so acidic it will rot iron. Take off the tinted spectacles, wash the filter of your own insecurities, and your want to save, and see them as they truly are; wounded, lost, empty, pain ridden vessels, damaged beyond the scope of what your love can repair.
You can't save a narc, you'll repeatedly break your own heart trying.
And once your narcs satisfied they’ve reduced you to a quivering doormat, they’ll do what they planned all along. They’ll leave you for someone new, someone who can admire them all over again.
Seeing them shifts our energy. The confusion, the fear, the desperation, all narc fodder, dissolves, leaving pity that repels them like fire. Being exposed is a narcs biggest fear and once we see behind the mask, they have no power. They didn’t anyway; it was all an illusion.
So Here Are 5 Key Ways To Disarm A Narc:
ONE: Cut contact. Block their number, be busy, take a different route. If you see them turn around, ignore, run, do not engage. If for any reason (and it needs to be a good one) you can't cut contact, see #FOUR.
TWO: Withdraw your energy. Any dwelling on, talking about, thinking of, obsessing over is sending energy to your narc. Most likely your narc will launch a psychic attack, willing your energy to them. Be strong and stay committed to breaking the spell.
Every time your focus wanders, shift it onto something more positive. Move your body, affirm your power and keep reminding yourself a narc is weaker than a scarecrow in a field fire.
THREE: If you want to break the tie, pity them. This is the most powerful move, but you must make sure the pity isn't faked, your narc will know and it won’t have the desired effect. You really have to 'get it' down to your bones the sheer hell fire, torment and high dose of disconnect and pathetic that lives in this person.
You have to pity them, truly and not want what they have in the same way you don’t want leprosy. Because once you totally see through them and how much a lie their sad little life really is, they'll literally run. Expect to be cut off. They'll delete you from facebook and social media etc., (which is exactly what you want) because they simply can't stand it that you can truly see them.
*Don't confuse pity with empathy. Narcs feed on your feelings; pitying shows you see the real person beneath the mask. Empathizing is giving them control of your feelings. I know a part of you feels the narcs pain, I get it, but it's a pain you can't relieve, and it's a pain you have to protect yourself from, because it will destroy you.
FOUR: If you can't cut contact and have to be around a narc there are two things you need to do:
1. Limit your time around them and be boring in their company. Narcs want energy; flat line around them and they'll lose interest in engaging with you. Give them nothing, because they’ll use every shred of info from you, on you. If they ask what you did at the weekend, no matter if you smoked shisha pipe with John Butler at Woodford, your reply will be "laundry."
2. Do not respond to their attack. They want (need) you to engage, and they're used to you doing so. Change tack, drop your resistance and allow, yes that's right, allow them to have their opinions, anger etc. Disarm them with phrases such as:
- "I'm sorry you feel that way"
- "I totally accept your faulty perception of me, and I'm ok with it"
- "You have a right to your anger, it's not my responsibility."
Resistance is energy, so is your taking responsibility for their bad behaviour. If you stay unruffled and accepting of their opinions no matter how distorted or offensive, they'll cease to have power over you. The more confident and consistent you are in this approach the more impact it will have. And remember, it really is ok to accept others faulty perceptions of us, we don't have to own them.
Empower yourself with truth.
FIVE: Find the part in you that resonates with them. This is really the crux not only of getting rid of a narc but protecting ourselves from bringing another one into our field. If a narc’s in our life there’s a massive chink in our armor and we need to find it. We need to work on whatever self-worth issues we have that left the door wide open for them to walk in.
When I looked inside myself I found a fakeness that kept me befriending the narc even when my gut repeatedly told me something was off. I pushed through, I made excuses, because deeper still I had an old pattern of weak boundaries and not speaking up.
But that relationship, as with all relationships, offered me a mirror to my own unconscious parts that needed healing. If there's a narc in your field they're bringing up an old pattern that needs attention to heal. And we can be grateful for that, because a pattern healed is a pattern never to be repeated.
If we can wake enough, and stay awake we can use every experience, even one with a narc, to look deep inside ourselves for our own wounds. And we can heal the shit right out of them, so we never get narc-sided again.
If you're in need help dealing with the toxicity of a naracassist and you're ready to discover the pattern in you that needs healing reach out for a free 20 minute discovery call and see how I can help.