You're smart and strong minded.
And you're passionate. And I'm guessing you'd like to know how to truly enjoy both giving love and receiving it.
But like many you've fallen into the trap of confusing love and neediness. It's ok, it's not your fault and you're not alone. But it's a trap that once in, can be hard to get out.
The more the needy you are the further you push love away, and the further you push love away, the more needy you become.
It can be tricky because neediness can often disguise itself as love.
We convince ourselves it's because we're in love that we're needy. Unfortunately we also confuse the outcome of neediness as being the outcome of love. And we create a story that love always lead to pain and our being let down.
And that's just not true.
This story clouds our willingness and ability to truly show up for love. And when it doesn't work out we tell ourselves that it's just too hard, we've been burned once too often. Love's just not worth it, it hurts too dam much. And we'll never be able to trust.
But it isn't love that's the problem.
It's neediness, And there's a difference; a big one. Actually there are many, here are 6 key differences between love and neediness:
1.Love is when we think about the other person’s happiness and needs.
Neediness on the other hand is when we're fixated on how to get our own needs met. Neediness is selfish, it doesn't allow space to consider the other person's happiness for happiness sake. Only for our sake. We think about their happiness only in terms of them filling our needs.
And that stops us from being present and open to the other person's needs because we just can't relax. We can't let go, let them be and do who they are in case what they want means our needs won't be met.
So much so that we can end up settling for people who don't remotely set our soul on fire, or align with our values just because our need to be in a relationship is greater than our need for true happiness. Ours and theirs.
*Hot tip - when you genuinely care about another's happiness, without it being attached to your needs, it shows. Practice letting go and drop any resistance you have to allowing happiness for happiness sake. You'll be appreciated you all the more.
2.Love feels deliciously blissful while neediness feels angsty and painful.
Love and neediness feel completely different. Love feels joyful, light, breezy. It tickles and caresses your soul. It makes you smile for no reason. It makes you sing every day and play the same love song over and over.
Neediness feels dense and heavy in your body. It's the gnawing away at your peace of mind. It's waking at 3am. It's worrying and it's the incessant over thinking that takes you out of the now and into a frantic future.
*Hot Tip - listen to your body. Leran to read what tis telling you by the sensatioms you feel. If you feel angst you're coming from fear, so chose another thought. A thought that comes from love and feel the lightness.
Neediness kills attraction stone cold dead.
3. Love is already knowing your value, approving of yourself and not needing validation from the other.
Neediness is desperately trying to extract value from the other person because deep down you don't believe you have any of your own.
This need for validation creates a deep feeling of mistrust and disconnect with the other person. Why are you really with them? And if you don't value yourself, why should they?
No one can provide us with the value that comes from within the self. Even if we're repeatedly told that we're valuable and gorgeous and there's no other one but us, if we don't value ourselves first we won't believe that someone else can.
It's a bottomless pit because no one but us can give us validation. But once we do, other's have to too. That's how it works. They follow our lead.
*Hot tip - you have incredible value, when you're doubtful ask yourself what would a high value person do/think/act in this situation, and then do it.
4. Love is magnetic and neediness repels.
It's an enegry thing. And the underlying energy of neediness is fear. This energy is picked up loud and clear at the other end. The receiver can't know if they're needed/loved for who they truly are or if they're just being used to as a remedy for fear and low self-esteem.
It puts them on edge. The more a person senses neediness in us the more they pull away. It's like a rubber band. Imagine neediness as the force that pushes against it. Stretching it further and further. Neediness is like that.
*Hot tip - Think of yourself as a magnet, bringing to you whatever vibration you're sending out. If you're coming from love you'll attract more of it, but if your needy you'll just attact more to feel needy over.
It propels love further away.
And the further away it goes the more the fear rises to the surface. All the old relationships stories of being hurt and burnt tear open the scars of our wounds that once again bleed. And those out of control emotions are very difficult for anyone to deal with. And so it's often easier for the other person to call it quits and leave.
5. Love comes from meeting our own needs, neediness comes from never having had our needs met.
Neediness originates from our not having had our needs met. We learned to be needy. Our emotional needs weren't met in childhood and those unmet needs created a set of deep fears around our relationships with others:
- The fear of being left
- Fear of not being loved
- Fear of feeling pain
- Fear of being used, taken for granted or cheated on
- Fear of old unresolved anger
- Bitterness and regret from being burned in the past
- Fear about the future
Now in case you're panicking that this is you and because you're needs were never met you're destined to be needy forever, you can stop right there. I might be just guessing here, but there's a good chance that growing up I had even less needs met than you.
I grew up in the worst kind of dysfunction. Apart from the very basics of food and shelter, my needs weren't just unmet they were completely crushed, stamped on in the worst ways possible.
BUT ... I learned how to discover those needs, and fill every last one of them myself, so that I can now come to love's table completely healed, and free and wide open. And I know you have the ability to learn how to do it too (and I can show you.)
When we come from fear instead of love we fall head first into neediness because we have this big aching mess of fear in our stomach and we want someone to soothe it. We're desperate for all those needs to be met.
*Hot tip - Identify what you need and then first give it to yourself. If you need more love, do something loving for you, if you need more assurance, assure yourself, if you need support, support yourself with supportive thoughts and actions.
But the truth is no one can meet them all.
No one but us. First. If we dont meet our own needs, we often end up attracting the very people and situations that play into our fears and have us reliving them all over again.
What works best in any relationship and what we all truly want is someone who LOVES us rather than NEEDS us. Sure it can be nice to feel needed, but again that's usually because it's about what we give, or being appreciated for who we are.
That's very different than just being needed to validate someone's lacking sense of worth or try to cure their deep rooted chidhood insecurities.
6. Neediness is a desperation to have a partner, instead of a desire to partner them.
Neediness isn't about desire. It's about just wanting a partner because you don't want to be on your own. It's about using a person to fix you, instead of truly desiring the qualities they have and who they are at their core.
When we have the self-confidence and openness to love and desire a person for who they are and not what needs they can fill in us, we appreciate the person, and we become magnetic to them.
Desperation will always put you on the back foot in a relationship. And that's the worst place to be. It's all downhill from there. Regardless of whether you're in a relationship with a wholesome, decent person, eventually they too will be naturally repelled by your neediness.
You need to get off the back foot and deal with what's causing the neediness so that you can heal, rebalance your feminine and masculine energies and start showing up from love and not fear.
You can't create a spark from neediness. It's like throwing water on a fire and trying to light it. You won't.
You have the potential to show up for love from a place of love. Confident, open, trusting, and knowing your true value. And this is precisley what makes you irresistable to a partner. This is what makes you the one they can't stop thinking about.
The one they want to be around. They want to call, to text, to send you gifts, to be there for you, to make the kind of effort you absolutely love. They want to truly value you, heart and soul.
*Hot tip - focus on what you desire about your/a partner and even if you're single focus on what you want to attract and live in the moment until it arrives.
It's so possible for you to get to a place of confidence, trust, alignement and love, regardless of your past. If I could, you can too. And if you need help with that journey reach out and connect for a free relationship crisis call and let me help you.
Your greatest love waits.
Dawn Lee is a personal intelligence coach, relationship and behaviour change expert, writer, mentor and creator of The Crisis To Clarity Program AND The Mind Soul Connection™ She helps smart, strong-minded, spiritually-aware professionals currently in relationship crisis and struggling to move forward, get clear, crush fear and learn how to create heart centred- soul aligned synergy in their relationships.