Date Like A Diamond
For Modern, Smart, Spiritually Aware Women Ready to Discover Their True Value and Find Long Lasting, Soul-Mate Love by Dating Like a Diamond.
By Dawn Lee
Copyright © 2018 by Dawn Lee
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or utilised in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying and recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.
“If you’re not being treated with love and respect, check your price tag. Perhaps you’ve marked yourself down. It’s you who tell people what you’re worth by what you accept. Get off the clearance rack and get behind the glass where they keep the valuables.
The bottom line is value yourself more.”
TABLE OF CONTENTS
1. The Dating Game
2. Relationships – Who was your teacher?
3. Breaking negative relationship patterns
◦ What is your pattern?
◦ Using the mirror
◦ Unpack your bags
◦ Subconscious attachments
4. Relationships you WANT to avoid
◦ Red flags
◦ Emotionally Unavailable Men
▪ 10 types of emotionally unavailable relationships
5. Relationship red Flags DON’T Want to Miss
◦ Love bombing
◦ Over sharing
◦ Texting and sexting
◦ Future faking
5. You NEED Boundaries
6. How to stand out from the crowd
7. Breaking Negative Relationship Patterns
◦ the mirror
◦ who are you attracting and why
◦ how to
8. Recovering From Rejection and Abandonment
9. It’s All Energy
◦ We are energy
◦ Masculine energy
◦ Feminine energy
◦ creating magnetising attraction
11. Being Emotionally Available For Love
There are more single ladies puttin’ their hands up and looking for love than ever before. In 1970 the average age for women marrying was 23. Fast forward a few decades and in 2017 it was 31.
Women are finding themselves single well into their mid to late 30s and early 40s even. They’re ready to settle down, and if it’s on their radar realise their dream of starting a family.
There are also a rising number of foot loose and fancy free soul sisters, who having separated or divorced, are back on the market. Only this time around the scene’s changed. There are more pitfalls to dating than in a Lara Croft movie.
What’s also happening more than ever is that woman are struggling to find their soul mate love.
Women are becoming increasingly fearful, frustrated and confused with dating experiences and failed relationships that are crushing their confidence and self esteem.
As a result women are becoming more vulnerable and instead of meeting Mr Right, keep finding them themselves hooked up with 50 shades of Mr Wrong.
Flaky, emotionally unavailable men and an increase in narcissistic assclowns are muddying the waters for modern women looking for high-value, long lasting love.
Women are getting sucked in and trapped into negative relationship patterns and destructive negative emotional cycles.
The goal of this book is to help end those cycles, make dating easy and enjoyable, and show women how to find honest, soul stirring, long lasting love.
Not just with a wonderful partner, but with themselves. Because love begins on the inside.
This book will teach you how to squeeze the growth and learning from every dating experience you have, good or bad. So you can use it to shape you into the high value woman you truly are inside, but haven’t yet to realise outside.
It won’t just teach you how to date right, it will also get you relationship ready so that you’re wide open to attracting and receiving your greatest love.
I wrote this book because time again I come across smart, professional, caring, warm-hearted women who’re constantly being let down in their search for love.
Women who’re increasingly feeling hurt, rejected, empty, lost, anxious and wondering:
“Why does this keep happening to me?
“Why didn’t I see it coming?”
“Why can’t I just meet the right man?”
“And how long do I have to keep going through this same struggle before I find long lasting love?”
I’ve also been in your shoes. I too been burned, played, let down, hood-winked, blind-sighted, rejected, abandoned, promised the moon, the stars and the world. And I’ve been sorely disappointed.
I’m Dawn Lee and I’m a Personal & Spiritual Intelligence Coach™, relationship mentor and writer. My expertise is combining psychology and spirituality to help others out of crisis and into clarity so they can reclaim happiness, peace, love and connection from the inside out.
I’m a professional accredited coach, I have an (hons) degree in psychology and sociology and I’ve spent years soulfully educating myself in human behaviour, relationships and spiritual philosophy.
I’ve also healed my life having grown up in extreme physical, emotional and sexual abuse and trauma.
And I’m also devoted mum, who having travelled extensively and lived in several countries, had my son aged 39.
I’ve had a vast and colourful dating and relationship history. Having consciously uncoupled (yes it’s possible) from my long term partner, and working with so many women constantly experiencing bad dating and relationship experiences, I set out on a mission to research modern dating.
I wanted to discover for myself what men are really up to in the online dating world and find out how the new dating game really works.
I also coach men; I understand them, I know what makes them tick and I work with couples in crisis too.
This gives me rich tapestry to work from. I’ve crammed years of knowledge, wisdom, professional training, teaching, practice, personal experience and intuitive insight into this book.
When you use the techniques and teachings I’m going to share with you I promise you, from here on in dating and relationships will be an incredibly different experience.
This book is my gift to single women worldwide.
Date Like A Diamond will help empower you to raise your self esteem, lift your dating standards and stop settling for dodgy dating practises.
It will also lead you to step up into a higher vibration as you embrace your true value.
As you do so, you’ll become irresistible to high value men, because women who know their value are considered valuable. And when a high value man meets a high valuable woman, he doesn’t want to let her go.
If you want to enjoy heart-centred, soul-aligned, safe, successful dating experiences that lead you to high-quality, long lasting, soul-mate love, then Date Like A Diamond is the dating and relationship book you don’t want to miss.
I welcome hearing about your experiences with this book and using the techniques contained in it. Go to www.thecognitivesoul.com/date-like-a-diamond/ and put your comments in the Blog section.
The Dating Game
“If you’re going to play the game…. ya gotta learn to play it right”
~ Kenny Rogers
The first secret to dating is that it doesn’t have to be hard. In fact it’s easy when you know how.
Dating used to be a lot more straight forward than it is today. Technology has completely shifted the landscape of how we connect, date and do relationships.
Our obsession with texting and the explosion of internet dating and online apps such as Tinder, Bumble and POF for example, have altered the entire face of dating, relationships and love.
We can now instantly swipe our way into multiple men’s lives without ever leaving the comfort of the couch.
And we can organise dates in our pjs and slippers, wine in hand and not a scrap of make-up in sight.
Having such easy access to men you’d think would make finding love a lot simpler. Yet women are reporting dating and relationships to be more of a challenge than ever.
And that’s because there’s a down side. We can also be led on a merry dance; we’ve no idea who we’re really connecting with.
Dating has become a whole new ball game and if you’re going to play the game, then sister, you truly do have to play it right.
Now I should say here that I don’t mean playing mind games. That’s something you never want to get involved in because you’ll lose every time.
Even when you win, you’re out of integrity with yourself and that’s incredibly damaging and impacting to who you attract into your life.
Playing the relationship game is about strategy. It’s also about honouring and valuing yourself and your heart.
There can be many obstacles to finding love and what often blocks women the most is the unresolved emotional damage experienced along the way.
Women looking for a serious relationship (and I’m not a fan of that term, but more on that later) don’t want to keep finding themselves entangled in mind games and on the emotional roller coaster. It’s too painful.
If you’re ready to find quality, long lasting love girlfriend, you need to get dating-savvy. Especially when it comes to online dating.
Every woman has at least one bad date story, it’s a rite of passage. But getting hooked into toxic, fake, going nowhere relationships with apparently hollow, emotionally unavailable men (EUM) is an all too common complaint.
And it’s taking its toll.
EUM are not only a huge drain on your time and energy; they can also be a sledgehammer to your confidence, sanity and trust in yourself and men in general.
Dating is both a science and a ritual. To be good at dating, you have to understand how dating works (and doesn’t work).
You also understand how men work. And then you have to use this understanding to implement successful dating strategies.
“Knowledge is NOT power, knowledge is only potential power. Action is power.” ~ Tony Robbins.
Every date and relationship experience is a stepping stone to the next. We either carry forward the lesson and step up, where we meet higher quality experiences. Or we take with us the baggage and step down, where we align with lower-quality experiences.
If you want to attract a high value man you have to learn how to keep moving forward with the lesson, not the baggage.
Once you know how, every date and interaction, good or bad becomes an invaluable opportunity for gaining knowledge and building confidence and trust.
Every man you encounter, on line or face to face, is practice for you to learn how to play game, show up and keep showing up as the high-value diamond woman who’ll one day magnetise high-value love effortlessly.
When it comes to the dating game there are four key problems modern women face:
1. Women are trying (and failing) to work men out from the female perspective.
Woman assume that men think and act like they do. They don’t. Men are from Mars, and Women, well, we’ll go with Venus, but we’re definitely from somewhere else.
Men and Women are very different. And we don’t just think differently; we also have very different energies that act in very different ways.
Masculinity is an exclusive club that women will never be part of. And that’s ok, but to master the game you need to understand that men don’t think like you do.
Masculine and feminine energy play a huge role in dating. These two energies are polarised; it’s in their being opposites that creates the strongest attraction. And this is another secret to dating and relationships, that most women haven’t yet uncovered (more on this later.)
Understanding the key differences between men and women and knowing what makes men tick, is crucial to having the kind of high-value dating experiences that lead to long lasting love.
2. Women haven’t yet learned how to successfully ignite a man’s desire and attract men at the deepest level.
Instead modern women are approaching dating in ways that kill a man’s desire. Learning how to magnetise men and create effortless desire, pull and attraction is key to calling in your greatest love.
3. Women are missing red flags and failing to heed the early warning signs and common pitfalls of dating.
Paying attention to red flags is vital; they’re indicators of deeper issues that won’t just miraculously go away. In fact they’ll worsen, because the red flag is often just the tip of the iceberg.
If caught and addressed early, red flags can often and easily be resolved. In fact they offer women a great opportunity to communicate their value. By picking up on red flags women show that they’re wide awake and that they have standards and that they aren’t afraid to enforce them.
You might think this scares a man off, on the contrary, masculine energy is wildly attracted to women with boundaries and who aren’t afraid to call men out for their sh*t (in the right way). This actually encourages men to step up and be better.
When ignored however, women leave themselves wide open to being hurt and used by men who see their weakness, and who often have no intention, or are entirely incapable of having a relationship with them.
4. Many women have a ‘relationship story’ that’s creating subconscious blocks to love.
We can become stuck in repeating relationship patterns that keep recreating the past. We also use self-sabotage to block high value relationships and keep us attracting the very men we want to avoid.
Understanding your relationship story and relationship pattern is vital to changing how you play the dating game and to who you meet.
If you don’t change the pattern, you’ll keep meeting bad experiences and that can create desperation. Desperation is dangerous because it can lead to early attachment and bad choices that not only waste valuable time and energy but create emotional chaos and suffering.
When you don’t know how to play the dating game it’s easy to lose hope that the perfect man is out there. And again this feeds back into the fear which only serves to reinforce the negative pattern.
Women need to learn how to focus their energy in the right direction to move away from the ambiguity of casual dating and towards authentic, emotionally available men who’re commitment ready.
To do this you need to know how to play the game. And every time you play, is an opportunity to hone your dating skills and grow yourself into a high value woman.
You have to stop looking then at dating and relationships as an end outcome and see the bigger picture, see the journey.
By practising the tools and techniques in this book not only will you get great at the game but you’ll save yourself a whole lot of unnecessary pain, drama and heartache.
The dating game becomes easy when you date like the high-value diamond you truly are. And attracting your soul-mate becomes easier too, because it all happens from the inside out.
As you master the dating game you’ll also have the advantage of standing out from the sea of other women who unfortunately still don’t know how to date right, yet.
And yes, there is a right way.
The more you practise what you learn in this book the more skilled you’ll be. Like any master, you’ll radiate confidence, knowing and a powerful, high value, love-ready-vibe that will magnetise you to your perfect match.
By understanding that dating and relationships are a game between men and women, (I like to think of it more as a dance) and by following the guidance in this book, I guarantee your online dating experiences and relationships will be like nothing you’ve previously encountered.
A willingness to master the dating game sends a powerful message to your subconscious and to the Universe that you’re ready to shine bright and attract your greatest love.
You have to let of o taking dating and relationship experiences personally and stop being offended by others and instead use them to better yourself.
“If you are irritated by every rub how will you be polished? “
If you want to be a high value woman and date like a diamond you have to learn not take things personally. Other people’s bad dating and relationship behaviours are their failings, not yours.
When you stop taking thing personally you can use your every experience to better your game and when yo play better you win more! And what you stand to win is the most amazing relationship you’ve ever had.
Take a moment to consider where you learned how to date and do relationships.
We like to think we know what we’re doing when it comes to love, but too often we’re just blindly jumping in and hoping for the best.
And unfortunately that’s a recipe for the worst.
It’s trial and error, and if we don’t know what we’re doing we can have a lot of errors.
The problem with that is we tend to take every failed relationship and breakup as being our fault. And we do ourselves a huge injustice and a lot of damage by doing so because we reinforce the negative belief we hold that says “there must be something wrong with me.”
And if that’s true then that must mean I’m unlovable.
But what if we just haven’t learned how to do dating and relationships right?
And if we could learn, how would that change our dating experiences AND our beliefs about ourselves?
Start by asking yourself then, where did I learn how to do relationships?
Who was my teacher?
Who exampled love for me?
Where did I get the basic ideas about dating and relationships?
Who taught me how relationships work?
What do I see in my own relationships that I recognise in the relationships of those who taught me?
It’s sad fact that most of what we’ve been taught about dating, love and relationships is wrong.
We’re not having crap experiences because we’re undeserving, damaged or broken even. And we’re certainly not destined to continue having bad, painful, unfulfilling relationships.
We just need to understand how dating and relationships work and learn how to do them right.
It’s a fact of life that when we grow up we have a tendency to recreate the emotional environment of our early home life. The truth is, we learned about relationships through watching our parents.
Now, maybe you got good ones, but there are a hell of a lot of dysfunctional relationships out there and past generations are typically even more unconscious than we are.
Chances are you picked up some wrong information.
It wasn’t your parents fault, you can’t teach what you don’t know. And if your parents didn’t know how to love each other, and as equally important love themselves, then it would be impossible for them to teach you this.
You may be thinking that your parents having been married for decades are a poster couple for long lasting love and happiness. But just because people are together for years doesn’t mean that they’re happy. Many marriages are miserable and each person is so co-dependant on the other they’re stuck in the misery.
All they’ve really taught you then is how to sacrifice happiness and suffer in a loveless, empty marriage. And perhaps that’s one of the reasons you stay way longer than you know you should?
School also teaches us absolutely nothing about love, dating and relationships. And even psychology has a limited perspective because it typically misses the deeper energetic level of relationships and in particular the importance of masculine and feminine energy.
So what makes a successful, loving relationship and do we do relationship right?
To understand what makes a successful relationship first we have to look at what our mental model of love is and where it came from.
Firstly we have to call out and be willing to get rid of the old thinking paradigms we’re stuck in that tell us what love needs to be in order for us to be happy.
Typically we have a blueprint for what love looks like. Actually we have two. One at the subconscious level which is what our parents relationship looked like. Now you might think you’ve spent your life trying to avoid that, but just look back and just see, where are there similarities?
“What am I recreating from my past that I learned growing up from my parents?”
It may be subtle but if you get still and take long hard honest look, you’ll see it.
If you’re struggling to see it go deeper.
“Do I treat men in the same way my mum treated my dad?”
“Do men treat me in the same way my dad treated my mum?”
So What’s your relationship story?
What do you keep telling yourself happens in your relationships? And how does this fit in with what you were exampled, told and 0taught about relationships growing up?
Awareness is the light that shines in a dark room, it’s the beginning of the end of a repeating pattern.
The more you can sine the light and call a pattern out and see what underpins it, the less power it has over you.
Eventually as you break it down you’ll find it easier and easier to nreak through not only the repeating pattern but your own repeating behaviours and responses that have been keeping it happening over and over again.
And the more you do differently, the quicker the subconscious recognises that you no longer need to keep repeating the pattern.
Because there is a need. If you have a relationship blueprint and you believe relationship should be the same as your mum and dads, they your subconscious needs to keep tracing the same people who will play out this belief and keep it alive. That’s how the subconscious mind works.
Everything that repeats shows a need to be held onto. So to let it go you first must be first willing to acknowledge and let go of the need.
Start with this powerful affirmation:
“I’m willing to release the need to ….. (e.g. keep attracting emotionally unavailable men.”)
Repeat several times, feel the truth of the statement you really are willing to release the need, right! And then follow up from this statement:
“AND I give myself permission to call in my greatest love.”
Having a need blocks you from giving yourself permission. So by using the first statement you pave the way for the second statement.
Commit to using this affirmation daily for at least 21 days (the time it takes to form a new habit) and not only will you feel its power but you will see results!
The second blue print for love and relationships is at a more conscious level; it’s what society, the media and the general mental image we’ve formed around relationships.
The more we try to force love and relationships to be what we think they should be, according to our mental image, the more challenging our relationships become.
Love is like wild flower growing, as soon as we try and force to be what it’s not or as soon as we try to possess it by picking it for example, we kill it.
Take a moment to really think about all the things you tell yourself about how relationships should and shouldn’t be.
You’ll be amazed at how many preconceived ideas and false beliefs you have.
Now consider how these ideas and expectations either help or hinder your dating and relationship experience.
And also ask yourself do these standards apply to you as well as to others. For example, you might say relationships should be honest. But if you’re jumping into relationships unhealed because you feel unworthy and don’t want to be alone, of if you’re ignoring red flags and pretending you’re ok with things that you later won’t be ok with re you really being honest, with yourself, and with the other?
We need to learn to let go of the expectations and stories that we have around what relationship and how they should be. And need to let love breathe, naturally grow and manifest into itself without force or demanding.
LOVE v NEEDINESS
When it comes to relationships we often confuse love with needy attachment.
Love doesn’t need the other person to fill a hole. Love doesn’t demand, it doesn't ask for anything, love loves for loves sake.
Unlike neediness, real love doesn’t happen in the mind. Nor is it a physical or psychological phenomenon.
Love is the essence of who we are at our core.
To create great dating and relationships experiences we have to learn how to embrace love and be in a state of loving vibration without needing the other person to do anything but simply be who they are.
That’s hard because we’ve grown up knowing love to be seeped in condition. If we are quiet, we’ll be loved more, If we behave we’ll beloved more., if we’re good a t sports, or maths, or helping with the chores we’ll be loved more.
But love isn’t something we do, love is something we are. And mastering this one truth wil completely change the way you show up not just for relationships but also dating. Because you don’t need anything from the other person for you to be a loving person. And love, in case you havcent noticed is contagious.
Neediness on the other hand is a repellent that stifles love. Neediness tries to control, and trying to control people is the kiss of death to any relationships. Because ultimately people value one thing more than love itself, and that’s freedom.
If we try to deny others freedom we’ll lose. Because they will withdraw from us, creating more neediness and a lack of of control and we’ll end up pushing them so far away that we can’t get back.
Then when we end up alone again we’ll blame ourselves, say we weren't good enough, that it’s our fault, that there is something wrong with us. But really it was our neediness and our demand for controlling the other person through our own fears and insecurities that kept us from love.
One reason we can become needy and demanding is when force a time time-frame onto love and try to rush things through.
Scared that we’re running out of time women can create tension and conflict when love doesn’t show up according to their schedule. It’s this kind of pressure that kills the conditions that love needs to freely flow.
And it needs to freely flow, because love can’t be forced.
Many a great relationship has been destroyed by a woman stuck in the story of how love should look and how long it should take. And when it doesn’t happen according to her schedule she delivers an ultimatum for commitment, that sadly more often than not never comes.
Relationships are more fragile than we realise. We can be led into thinking that once we’re in one it’s rock solid, and we can just let our inner dramas, our need for control and validation (the root of our neediness) play out in our relationships and they will survive. But experience already tells you, that’s just not true.
If you’re needy you’ve already pushed love away. And you’ll keep pushing it away. Because love can’t be forced.
Relationships need nurturing and need to be treated with kind, loving hands. And the more we try to control them, makes demands on them and force them into the way we think they need to be so we can be happy, the more we damage them.
We can end break a relationship altogether, suffocating it with our neediness and demands. Repelling the other person in the process and leaving ourselves more needy than ever.
To thrive love needs freedom. And this can be a real conundrum for women, because women have been typically led to believe that giving the relationship freedom will create uncertainty and insecurity.
And security is what women want most.
However the opposite of what we believe is true.
Few people barely understand themselves, let alone each other. And that’s a massive problem in dating and relationships because we assume that the other person is just like us.
We assume that we know what the other person is thinking and feeling. And yet our own thoughts are muddled and confused through our conditioning and programming and what we unconsciously learned growing up.
We put ourselves in their shoes, in their minds, asking ourselves what would it mean if we said or did ‘that.’ Only we’re not them and they’re not us and if we’re trying to work someone else out according to how we think we’ll fail every time.
No two people think the same; we all have a very unique filter through which we see the world and when it comes to men and relationships our filters differ drastically according to more than just our own experiences.
Men really are from Mars and Women are from Venus, we’re literally from different [planets and speak different languages. We will never be able to experience another person’s private inner world which means we just don’t know how their hearts and minds truly work. It’s assuming otherwise that creates a lot of relationship conflict, breakdown in communication and a lack of understanding and connection.
Men and women are out of sync.
We need to raise our awareness and be willing to look at the deeper level, to discover the truth about relationships and love.
Love actually thrives on freedom.
It’s like a beautiful butterfly the minute you catch it and hold it in your hands it’s stops fluttering. If you hold it too tightly you injure its wings and you can suffocate it altogether.
Love has to be allowed to be what it is and one of the greatest fears and problems women have around relationships is the need for commitment and the belief that love is scarce.
Love isn’t scarce. Love is always available and abundant. Love is around every corner and its believing love is scarce that creates the fear that love is lacking and that if we don’t nail it down quickly, or if we move on from a less than satisfying relationship we won’t find another one.
Who taught you that about love?
How did you decide it was scarce?
Did you witness you mother sacrificing for her relationship?
Did your dad leave and did you witness your mum, lost and alone?
What message did you get growing up that love had to be held onto otherwise you would end up alone?
You might be thinking right about now that you have a lot experience to support the belief that love is scarce, but I invite to recognise that you get what you believe. So if you believe love is scarce, that will be your experience. But that doesn’t mean that love IS scarce. It just means that you’re attracting your belief about love and then calling it truth.
The Energy of Love
we have to look at love from the energetic perspective.
Consider a time when someone told you about a great guy “...you just have to meet.”
“You’ve guys have got so much in common, he’s so ‘your type’, you’re perfect for each other.”
He certainly sounds amazing, and on paper he’s the perfect match, but when you meet there’s absolutely no chemistry, no connection, nada, zilch, crickets.
No matter how much you want to like him, you’re just aren’t feeling it. And that’s because love and connection happen at a deeper level.
Love is energy, and it requires specific conditions to ignite, flow and thrive. When we learn to bring our most loving selves to our dating and relationship experiences everything changes.
This kind of energy is the energy of desperation and it is a repellent to love.
It’s true that love find us when we least expect it, but have you considered why?
It’s not because love magically decides to show up when you’re not paying attention, it’s because when you’re not looking, you’re actually open to love because you’re not desperate. And you don’t have a big ling list of what it should and shouldn’t be. So basically you’re in your own way and you’re not in love’s way.
This is why you’re most attractive when you’re single. Because when you’re not looking, you’re happy, relaxed and easy going. You’re not worrying, you’re not counting the days, weeks, months or years that you’ve been single. You’re waiting for a ring.
You’re not coming from a place of fear and lack and as a result you’re not blocking love’s flow.
It’s vital to understand the energy that attracts love. And when you’re in this energy, this is precisely why you become a magnet for love. The more aligned you can be with the love and joy and trust inside yourself and the Universe the quicker you attract love.
But when you’re searching, when you’re feeling the pressure, telling yourself the story that clocks ticking and time is against you, the more the energy of desperation creeps its way in.
Desperation is a heavy, dense energy and it blocks the energy of lightness, ease, fun, laughter, joy and trust. These are the qualities of feminine energy, and feminine energy attracts masculine energy like a magnet.
This is a secret that most women haven’t yet discovered or don’t know how to practice.
When you’re in this feminine energy state you feel powerful, desired, aligned and aloof. You’re not needy, or desperate, you’re not trying to force love, force attraction. You’re going with the flow and men find this irresistible in a woman.
Have you ever wondered why men will chase a woman who isn’t that interested in him? If you’ve ever been quite blunt with a man that you’re not interested in him be prepared to spike his interest in you because men are hard wired to pursue and women who are aloof and in flow, are the kind of challenge that masculine energy rises to meet.
Love it’s attracted to light, easy energy because love’s true nature is freedom. And this is another difference between men and women.
Women are motivated by security and men are motivated by freedom. When a woman gets into a relationship and wants security she begins to stifle a man’s sense of freedom and the man can typically pull away. Maybe you’ve experienced this.
This happens because when women become focused on security they step away from the light, easy, trusting, fun loving feminine energy hat attracted her man in the first place and steps into masculine energy that starts pushing and forcing commitment,
When men pull away women tend to panic and their energy dips even further into anxious, desperate, ‘pushing for answers’ energy that further repels masculine energy.
This is precisely the time that women need to stay calm and lean into their feminine energy and allow masculine energy space. It’s in this space that man is able to miss a woman again and be drawn back to her feminine energy
You can fight this process all you want, declaring it unfair, but it’s an energy thing and you can’t fight the laws of attraction at an energy level.
Moving into and maintaining energy of calm and ease will do more for your relationship and your power of attraction than anything else.
You can dress to the nines in a new killer outfit, be as successful, beautiful, and talented as you can possibly be but the most attractive quality you will have to masculine energy is inner calm of ease and grace, because that is the energy of the feminine and it is irresistible to the masculine.
The more you can learn how to shift your energy from tension to calm whilst dating and in relationships the more successful you’ll be at both.
And even if you find your relationship in crisis holding a vibration of calm is one of the most powerful tools to turn things around.
Allowing panic fear and tension to take over when dating and/or relationships get a little tricky only creates a wider the gap and pushes men further away.
Cultivating calm in yourself outside of the relationship. You need to discover the power of celebrating life and its beauty.
Of being in nature and surrounding yourself with the healing powerful forces of life. To find joy in dancing and music and yoga, in self nurturing and self-love.
All of these things create inner calm and align you with the powerful feminine energy with you and make you more magnetic to love.
When things go wrong though we tend to get stuck in our heads. We obsess and over analyse, we let go of taking care of ourselves. We don’t eat properly, our exercise routine goes down the toilet and we sink further into despair.
And this is not the energy that will reignite the love that you’ve either lost touch with or that you’re seeking to find.
As hard it is to put the feelings of sadness and fear aside, they are not serving you in any way and you cannot justify holding onto them if you want to get back aligned with love.
It’s when we are relaxed that our creative juices flow and when we are most inspired and this is the place from where magic happens. This is the place that artists and creatives tap into. This is the place where success rises from, this is the place where love thrives.
We have to learn to get into this space in our lives, whether it be to attract love, success, health, more money, more customers, whatever it is, this place of relaxation and trust is the most powerful energetic state to future create from.
Otherwise we are sending out the vibes of fear, obsessive thinking, anger, frustration and anxiety, all of which are simply manifesting back into our reality and blocking us from what we truly want.
Relationships are more fragile than we realise. We think that once we’re in them they are stable and robust and that we can just get on with life and let our dramas play out and the relationship will survive.
But that’s not true. Relationships need nurturing and need to be treated with gentle loving hands. And the more we try to control them and force them into being a certain way the more we damage them.
We can end up breaking the relationship altogether by suffocating it or demanding too much from it. Whilst giving it what it needs to thrive; freedom.
And this is a real conundrum for many women, they think that giving the relationship freedom will create uncertainty and insecurity but the opposite is actually true.
Love thrives on freedom.
It’s like a beautiful butterfly the minute you catch it and hold it in your hands you injure its wings and then suffocate it altogether. Or the wild flower that you =ick for its beauty and then it ceases to be what it was and it dies.
Love has to be allowed to be what it is and the mistake that most women make it thinking that if they don’t assert control over the relationship they will get hurt or their partner will leave or cheat or not respect them.
But you will find that the very opposite is true. When people feel freedom in their relationship it’s a place they want to keep coming back to. And when they feel over controlled they’re looking for an out.
One key difference between men and women is that men seek freedom and women seek security. And ironically it’s in giving men freedom that they willing offer security.
But when women try to control the relationship they kill the freedom that a man needs and as he pulls away the levels of insecurity rise, along comes the tension and fear and suddenly the relationship becomes a power struggle and is filled with negative energies that kill it from the inside out.
This is when we become manipulative; we play games with each other and hide our true vulnerability. And this puts us in a very dangerous position of repeating old relationship patterns and having our heart crushed.
What we need in these situations is more love. Not less. But we withdraw and allow the fear to take over. We revert back to our old stories of being abandoned, or rejected or disrespected and our actions and energy radiate this toxic fear into the relationship.
Fear will kill a relationship quicker than anything else. Because love and fear can’t co-exist and all relationship are built on love.
Take that away and what are you left with?
Its when relationship are in trouble that we need to lean into our feminine energy of trust and lightness, of joy and peace and acceptance and offer love not fear. Unless the relationship isn’t worth saving in which case the best course of action is to walk away (more on that later)
All relationship game playing comes from fear, mostly fear of being vulnerable. It’s a protection mechanism deployed by ego to keep us safe from being hurt. Unfortunately it has the opposite effect because by hiding our truest self and denying our feelings, we end up hurting ourselves more.
We’re afraid to be who we really are and share how we feel because we feel being rejected or ridiculed or shamed. We fear being left because we believe it must be something wrong with us or that we aren’t deserving of love, But that is never the case.
Yes the relationship may end, but not because we shared our feelings. Not because we were willing to make ourselves vulnerable. There are many reasons relationships end but authenticity isn’t one of them.
And no matter what we believe we are never being rejected even if someone says they don’t want us, that is not about who we are and more about our lack of alignment with their inner expectation and desires.
We can’t control that, and we can never judge our own value or worth according to others peoples tastes, beliefs or what they want and need in life. When we understand that we can never buy into the rejection story again.
The only person who can reject us is ourselves.
And no matter what we have accumulated on the outside, no matter how good we look, how well we dress, how many holidays we have, there is only one thing that can save a relationship or create a new one, and that’s what on the inside.
If we allow ourselves to become riddled with fear and out of integrity, if we become bitter and empty and desperate on the inside this is what we’re bringing to our relationship. And no matter how we dress it up, or how much we hide it, eventually this will come through, every time, and it will keep on destroying relationships.
Fear it the enemy of love. And if your relationship is broken or breaking get still and just see how much fear is being projected on to it.
Remember the relationship is fragile and it absorbs whatever you are giving it.
You might be thinking but I gave it my all, I did everything, I bent over backwards, and that may be so, but be honest, how resentful did you become? Were you over giving hoping that you would become invaluable and irreplaceable? And if so how much of what you gave was out of fear?
Over giving and then being resentful is unhealthy for all relationships. Over giving is a sign that you have stepped out of your feminine energy and the balance of the relationship has tipped into an unhealthy imbalance of give and take.
It’s one thing to be generous and give, but it’s another entirely to become a door mat and over give because you only end up feeling resentful and this is the energy that you are directing at your relationship. This is what it’s absorbing.
Love is always the answer.
When relationships start to deteriorate there’s always an absence of love that’s been replaced by its arch enemy fear. And that can come in many guises, jealously, anger, guilt, shame, insecurities etc.,
When you’re operating from fear you’re creating negative experiences which are repellent for a man.
We may different but we all prefer positivity over negativity. Creating positive experiences keeps love and desire alive. And if you wondering does he deserve it if he’s been a douche-bag lately, why let someone else dictate if you are going to be a positive or negative person. You suffer from your own negativity more than anyone, you also benefit from your own positivity more than anyone.
The root of all negative emotion is fear.
There are two things a man needs from you to miss you and desire to commit and both of these are naturally given in a healthy loving relationship:
The first is giving him positive emotional experiences such as:
• Encouraging him to fulfil his dreams.
• Support and acceptance
• Being excited about his life, goals and desires.
• Fun, laughter and lightness.
• Sex and physical affection.
The second is giving him the space and freedom so he can appreciate everything you give him, by giving yourself:
• Personal goals and aspirations.
• A great social life.
• Ownership of your own emotions.
• Permission to prioritize your needs, wants and desires.
Too many women make the mistake of thinking that once they’re in a relationship they can drop the reins of their own life and morph into a couple, completely forgetting who they are.
But consider this: the person that your dream man was attracted to and will fall in love with is the one who was you before you even met him.
He fell in love with the girl who had her own dreams and aspirations, was self-sufficient, had friends, and wasn’t willing to sacrifice her needs and wants.
This isn’t about being fiercely independent and not needing a man, more it’s about maintaining your identity and value and continuing to bring your whole self to the relationship.
Never lose yourself in a relationship, after all, who is there for him to love if you’re lost?
If you want to your partner to miss you and look forward to spending time with you it’s important to create positive emotional experiences and respect that masculine energy thrives in space and feelings of freedom. Ironically the more space and freedom a man feels he has the more he is drawn back to the woman who gives it to him
We need to learn how to manage and work through our experiences so that we don’t keep projecting them onto our relationships ra
nscend fear and get back to love.
When we operate from a heart-centred perspective we can let go of the damaging emotions that create disharmony and arguing, mistrust and anger and inevitably destroy our inner peace and leave us repeating the same relationship disasters over and over again.
You’ve lareayd experienced this in your relationship at some point. Usually the beginning but its been short lived. Because the fear has crept its way in and you’ve ended up back in that painful place of feeling wounded and let down by love and abandoned all over again.
You want a love that is fills you up, a love that respects you and sees you and hears you. A love that honors and cherishes your heart and that you can trust and rely on. And that kind of love starts with you.
And every problem in our relationship is always shining a light on a part of us that has stepped away from that love within ourselves and is projecting it out into the relationship where is it manifesting ferociously back in our face.
When you learn to cultivate love from the inside you attract a loving partner who naturally falls for you without force or game playing or having to pretend you’re someone you’re not.
When you fall in love wither yourself you radiate that love out onto others and you fill your relationship with it from the inside out, And if you cross paths with someone who isn’t aligned or doesn’t honor you in the way you know you should be honoured because you love yourself you can walk away.
You can stay calm and trusting and knowing that the love you want and deserve will find you and that you have nothing to worry over or fret about regardless of how long it takes because you know it’s coming.
Now I know there’s a lot of evidence out there to suggest that relationships are struggle and that love is hard to find.
I’ve had my fair share of experiences and I’ve been doing a lot of dating research lately and have delved into meeting people on all scales of emotional availability.
I know what’s out there. But the biggest obstacle to love that you have is yourself. You are the obstacle that is blocking attraction and lasting love, because you are still carrying old thought patterns beliefs and stories from your past about what love looks like and how it should be.
And you have a lot of fear around deep intimacy and truly opening up to vulnerability. And I don’t blame you. I know when it comes to relationships you’ve dealt with a lot of shit in the past including:
• Hurtful comments
• Constant arguing
• Being stonewalled
• Passive aggressive behaviours
Unpacking Your Bags
Dating right takes knowledge, insight and application, it also takes healing.
If you don’t heal in between relationships not only do you carry your dirty, heavy, festering baggage from one relationship to the next, but you also attract men who resonate with everything you’ve stuffed into your unpacked bags.
Consider that your relationship baggage is like carrying around a suitcase filled with energy from your past.
According to Law Of Attraction (LOA) energy attracts it’s like. Emotions are energy (e-motion, energy in motion) and if you want to attract a high value man and experience healthy, happy, long lasting love, you’re going to have to unpack your bags and wipe the relationship slate clean.
Imagine that you’re holding onto years of rejection, heartache, pain, disappointment, anger, emptiness and resentment. Guess what you’re going to attract more of?
That’s right. You will attract men who will resonate with whatever you’ve got stuffed in your bag.
You’ll keep having the same experience, not because you don’t deserve better, but because you’re energetically attracting into your world the same kind of man who gives you the same kind of experience.
I don’t want you to keep having your heart trampled, but until you unpack your relationship bags you’ll keep dragging around the past.
Great relationships aren’t just pot luck, they’re a by-product of change. And that change comes from learning, growing, understanding and raising your awareness about yourself, men, relationships.
And it comes from healing.
Dating and successful relationships require practice, training, consistency and commitment. And they also require you to do the inner work to be your best, most honest, most emotionally balanced, available, healed and happy self.
Life’s too short or too long to keep having bad relationships.
So how do you know what you’re carrying and how do you unpack your bags?
Well one way is to identify that negative behaviours that keep showing up in your relationships. When it comes to unpacking, its important that you’re honest with yourself about what you’re carrying around. You cant let go of what you don’t acknowledged and if you don’t let it go you only keep hurting yourself.
The first step in unpacking is acknowledging. You need to look at everything you that’s in your bag and decide, do I want to carry this around with me or do I want to get rid of it?
Using the table below check how many negative behaviours you experience in relationships.
DO I EXPERIENCE IN RELATIONSHIPS? Y/N
DO I WANT KEEP CARRYING THIS ENERGY? Y/N
Dating doesn’t have to be as difficult or painful and it’ been in the past. It can be light, easy, fun and a great learning experience that’s always moving you forward in the direction of your greatest love.
When you stop dragging the past around with you.
Healing takes time and one of the biggest mistakes women can make is jumping into a new relationship before having worked through the pain and disappointment of the last one.
You might be motivated by fear that time is running out but I want to invite you to consider that you will waste more time in the losing run getting caught up in the same kind of relationship that will then create more emotional damage you push you further away from finding love.
Because by the time you get out of the next one, you’ll be older, more disconnected, down trodden and damaged than you’ve ever been. And you’ll still be alone.
Healing takes time. It also take patience. But once healed you will find your love quicker than you ever imagined because without dragging the last around and having let go of the heavy dense energies dragging you down you will not only be lighter, but you’ll be an open channel to attracting love.
The Universe works fast when you are happy and balanced inside.
Imagine never again having to doubt yourself or worry that you can’t trust yourself and who you meet. Knowing that you’ll not only attract a good man, but you’ll instantly recognise a bad one. And you’ll know exactly what to do. This only happens when you are healed.
How do you know you’re healed? When you hold no bitterness or anger towards your past when you can look back and know that you’ve learned a valuable lesson. And when you stop repeating the past. Because repeating the past is a cry for healing.
Once you unpack you’ll not only feel lighter but you’ll be stronger. You’ll be so much more aligned and confident knowing that you’re healed. Hi value men not only don’t want to date unhealed women, but they have a radar for them and avoid like the plague because they want a women who has learned from the past and grown through it and who is emotionally balanced because of it.
Low value men, and typically emotionally unavailable men on the other hand are a magnet to unhealed women. They sniff them out and can spot them a mile off.
And because they know they’re weak and vulnerable that makes them easy targets for being used for casual sex, and no string attached connection and the kind of bad behaviour and shoddy dating practices that a high valued, healed women wouldn’t dream of entertaining, and these men know it.
If you’re done with being hurt and disappointed and you’re sick of feeling taken for a ride, used, confused, hurt and dejected you want to start attract the kind of men who will love and respect, treat you like an equal, a queen even and being out the very best in you to give you your happiest ever relationship, then have to prepare, and that means you have to heal and unpack your baggage.
EMOTIONALLY UNAVALABLE MEN
Welcome to the era of Emotionally Unavailable Men (EUM) they come in many guises, but they’re flavour is the same. They aren’t physically, emotionally, or spiritually unavailable for a relationship. No matter what they might tell yuou in the beginning, their actions rarely match their words and you’ll know them by how they treat you.
EUM are master confuses, they are the king of mixed signals. Say one thing do another. When it comes to mixed signals rule of thumb is always take the negative behaviour to be the base line. Because it always is. Forget that he makes you feel magical when you’re with him, what about the weeks in between where he doesn’t call, leaves you hanging and is never availbable on the weekends.
EUM fall into two categories:
1. The great pretender
Great pretenders are by far the worst. They know they’re unavailable but they’ll string you along like a soap on a rope, using you when they feel like and letting you dangle when they don’t/ They are dishonest, destructive and have no intention whatsoever of having anything resembling a decent relationship, as you progress through the relationship you may struggle to even get a genuine conversation.
They’re assclowns and unfortunately they can also appear to be charming, magnetic and great chemistry creators, in the beginning. Stick around though you will see very different side to them. They don’t give a shit about you, literally. They avoid introspection like they avoid X and they will not grace you with compassion or understanding or even decent scraps of human decency. They will waste your time more than any other person you ever met. And they will enjoy the merry dance they lead you on, telling themselves that you are a wiling participant, that if they really were that bad you’d bail. And for your own sanity, you absolute must because they will destroy every shred of confidence and trust you have in yourself.
2. The lame duck
Lame ducks don’t quite know they’re unavailable because they haven’t got the foggiest idea what available looks like. Maybe it’s their pot habit that keeps them distracted; they don’t set out to intentionally screw you over, but their indifference is frustrating.
EUM lie at the heart of the majority of dating pitfalls in modern dating. You must get inside the EUMs head and discover what’s really going to become immune to his toxic spell.
EUM are as dangerous.
Blow hot and cold
Go missing in action for weeks something months
Other men who don’t fall into this category will be far from perfect and may cause a few dating hiccups along the way that may frustrate you or disappoint you, but they won’t damage you in ways that EUM can and will.
EUM are callous and cold with hearts of stone. They can compartmentalize in the same way a chimpanzee can peel a banana. In their defence EUM don’t choose to be emotionally unavailable, not consciously anyway, no one really does. Emotional unavaiblibity is a largely unconscious behaviour that is a response to and a protection mechanism against a deep past hurt that’s never healed.
That doesn’t make it ok, but it goes some way to explain why some men are so damaging to women. The damage they inflict is a by-product of their own wound. Unfortunately they infect people who come into their personal field and theirs not antidote.
Prevention is better than cure, avoid, avoid, avoid.
EUM can be pathological in their game playing. They have no moral compass when it comes to bad behaviour and they are maters at justifying their actions.
Even if they come across a woman they truly like, they’re unable to open themselves to genuine connection and authentic communication.
How to avoid:
Pay close attention to red flags – they are ALWAYS there.
“I’m not ready for a relationship.”
“I‘m not over my ex.”
“I had my heart broken and I’m not sure Im ready to jump into something yet.”
Your response should go something like this:
“Thanks for being honest. I understand. We’re looking for different things and I don’t see any point in continuing. I’m looking for a relationship and I want to meet someone who is too. That’s not you right now.”
“Thanks for letting me know. If things change for you and I’m still free maybe we can connect again, but I’m clear on what I want .”
EUM crave attention. They need to be desired, longed for, and all on their own terms. EUM are actually quite deeply wounded souls but it’s not your job description to save them and you’re break your heart even further trying, that’s one mission you need to abort.
There are different types of EUM but the outcome is always the same. You get to dangle on a piece of string and your needs go unfulfilled.
They may come on string in the beginning (see love-bombing) but it won’t be too long before they have you on strict diet of attention. You’ll be so starving that when you get thrown a crumb you’ll think it’ll feel like the best thing you ever ate.
Traits of Emotionally Unavailable Men
There are different types of EUM who each will give you a slightly different experience however the theme is always the same. He gets what he wants and you don’t.
Top ten types of EUM and EURs
1. The Friend With Benefits – this guy enjoys all the fringe benefits of a relationship without actually having a relationship. He puts in minimum effort, offers no commitment or intimacy and takes absolutely no responsibility.
2. The Rebound Guy–this lost soul is still not over his ex and is either knee deep the drama and fall out, or he’s still love in his ex and wants her back. In the meantime he’s darkening your door with no chance of being relationship ready any time soon.
3. Mr Boomerang – this irritation has a bad habit of breaking up with you and then coming back for more. He’s too-ing and fro-ing sometimes in-between or whilst he’s in a new relationship..
4. The Affair Man – either he’s cheating or you’re both cheating on each other, (well he did it first.) He may be a serial cheater but for you’re still sticking around and putting up with the mess.
5. The Addict – this poor soul is carrying some pretty heavy baggage and he’s developed a daily habit of numbing himself with some addiction or other. He’s become a bit of a project, you’ve tried everything to help him and he’s promised he’ll trying, but he dips in and out, sticking at nothing and just paying lip-service to actually healing.
6. Long Term Dysfunctional dude – some EURs can last a loooong time, regardless the dysfunctional somehow they just seem to soldier on. They’re like the dead horse of relationships that’s still being flogged and has no hope of getting back up again.
7. The Fantasy Guy – there are two types of fantasy guy, one exists only in your mind and has been spawned from your own delusion and denial. He may be a real person but he has no idea he’s in a faux-relationship with you. Or he’s the orchestrator of a complete mirage and has created an entirely fake relationship with you that’s a complete and utter fantasy. He uses a host of techniques to e-maintain you and keep you hooked and hanging for a relationship that is never going to happen.
8. The Abuser– this ass-wipe is typically a narcissist and thrives on excessive control, manipulation and physical, mental, emotional violence and abuse.
9. Mr Excuse – this sorry excuse of a man has always got an excuse as to why the relationship can’t happen or move forward. He’s too busy, work’s gone crazy, he doesn’t not enough time, he’s too tired, it’s not the right time, he’s not in the right place, he has issues with kids, his ex, family, finances.
10. The Secret Guy – this guy likes to you under wraps for whatever reason; work, family, race, age. He introduces you as his friend, and you’re under strict instructions not to talk.
Regardless of the type of EUM or EUR you’re entangled in they all have one thing in common; they are incapable of having an honest, authentic, loving relationship with you.
However the responsibility to get out lies with you. For as long as you keep tolerating and making yourself available to any of the above type relationship you’re denying yourself love and blocking yourself from being available to someone who can give it to you.
You can’t be in an unavailable relationship and be available for love at the same time. It’s one or the other. This is high price you pay with emotionally men, not only do you get damaged, but you lose the opportunity to find what you’re actually looking for.
And this is why you need to get real and be straight up with the clown that’s got you caught in his circus. Because if you want to find lasting love, the longer you stay with an EUM the further away your amazing future drifts.
2. RED FLAGS
Dating is a journey of discovery, its discovering who this person is and whether or not they are your man or not. Too many women jump in with a preconceived idea about a man before they have discovered anything about him. All they see is what he’s shown them so far. Red flags are the most important information that you can receive about a person and they must always be paid attention to. Here are the common red flags to look out for.
1. Come from a place of love and abundance, imagine you had 5 amazing guys all texting you, and someone vanishes, you wouldn’t be emoitnal or prickly or icey you’d have no emotional charge. So be in that state.
2. Feel free to be direct. Direct assertive energy deserves and demands respect. We teach people how to treat us by the treatment we’re willing to accept.
Love bombing is a term often associated with (but not limited to) narcissistic type personalities. It begins in the early stages of dating when one person bombards the other with gushy declarations of romance, love, fake flattery, admiration, contrived compliments and attention. The aim of love-bombing is to overwhelm you with their charm, throw you off balance and create a false sense of chemistry and connection.
Love-bombing almost always feels a bit too much too soon. So much so it may trigger a subtle alarm in your gut that something is off. Looking back any time I’ve been love-bombed a little part of me always knew that it just never felt right, and that’s because it wasn’t.
Rule of thumb: if it doesn’t feel like, read right, or sound right, it isn’t right.
If you don’t catch the alarm bell you’re in deep danger of being sucked into in the fakery. He’ll seem so romantic, so passionate, and dreamy even. He laughs at your jokes, can’t believe how lucky he is to have met you and pretty much thinks you’re the best thing since sliced bread.
Love bombing typically includes the crafty connection building technique known as mirroring. The love-bomber having paid close attention to what you’ve been rambling on about, strategically mirrors back to you your own desires and dreams. He likes what you like, has been where you’ve been and wants what you want. “Wow, I can’t believe we’re so alike.”
He’s attentive and romantic, talks starry nights, sunsets and before long is promising to turn the world upside down for you, all the while drowning you in a sea o
f luscious, juicy, fresh tingling love. Or so it seems.
But if it feels too good to be true, that’s because it is.
Some men are very apt at creating fake love and connection. And when you really think about it, can he really be head over heels in love with you before he’s even caught your surname?
We need to shake ourselves awake and step away from the fantasy of love at first swipe. Love-bombing is a red flag, and needs to be heeded.
Pay attention to the language he uses. Is it contrived, a little fake, forced, formal even?
Anything out of the “norm” is red flag. Does he text like he talks, or are his texts reading more like a Mills and Boons novel?
It’s very easy to love bomb via text. Once you pick up on love-bombing and mirroring though it becomes very obvious from the get go.
I’ve lost track of the number of men that would engage in messaging me and strategically wording their messages in ways that mirrored my personal bio.
They’d also throw in some well-placed ‘favourite things’ that, low and behold, were exactly the same as mine.
Some men will lean heavy into romantic speak, talking about the moon and stars, and the lure of a sunset sky. They may indeed dig nature, but beware because this kind of talk early on is another red flag.
Sincere men are more interested in getting to you know you rather than dazzling you with what’s often nothing more than a well versed text routine.
Some men are often not coming to the table from the same place as you. You’re genuinely looking for a relationship, and your desires and your feelings are real.
But that’s not always the case for men. Many men are hooking your attention for a number reasons. And they typically already know the tactics they’ll use to get your attention, string you along, and maybe even eventually have you dangling on a piece of electronic string (more about e-maintaining later.)
Not all men are like this of course and far from distrusting every man that crosses you path, all you really need to do is have your eyes and ears wide open.
The signs are always be there and when you know what you’re looking for it’s way more obvious than you realise. You’ll be amazed how you didn’t pick it up sooner.
So what can you do?
When it comes to love-bombing awareness will be your weapon of protection. Feeling an intense connection early on is a red flag. Of course you can have incredible chemistry but you have to be able to separate what’s real from what’s fantasy, especially in the beginning.
Often the greatest relationships start with very little chemistry that builds over time.
Your happiness depends upon you catching love-bombing early, especially if you’re dealing with a narcissist (more on narcissism later) in which you DO NOT want to miss this red flag.)
One of the greatest tools you can employ is by listening out for the subtle clues.
If you’re just connecting by text look out for over the top romantic gestures, promises or gushy admiration. Remember, you really you’ve no real idea who the other person is on the other end of whatever electronic means of communication you’re been love-bombed through.
People are often very different in person than their texting skills suggest. I remember meeting a man for dinner once who within 5 minutes of meeting wasn’t the strong, confident, masculine type he’d painted himself out to be.
Everyone likes to make good first impressions but love-bombers are faking and they have an ulterior motive for doing so. Always pay close attention because the signs will always be there.
So how should you respond to love bombing?
Once you’re familiar with love-bombing you’ll never miss the signs again. I had a narcissistic friend once who early on in our convos used to sign off “I love you!” and “your part of our family now.” It always felt a little weird, and of course once the games started and she showed her true colours it became increasingly obvious just how fake she’d been all along.
So if you’re getting the signals that a man’s showering you with love before you’ve even met or has fallen or has fallen head over heels in in love with you at first glance, or first text, slow it down and take a step back.
Of course he may well be attracted to you and think you’re great but over the top displays of love and affection before you know each other is a big red flag.
So if you’re on the receiving end of love bombing and mirroring and you’re feeling the heat, you ca
n do either one of three things:
1. End it before it really begins. Cut yourself loose and end the connection. You may be reluctant to do this, after all prince charming is filling your head with romantic hot air. You may even be giddy from the love bombs he’s been dropping but the early intensity is a warning that you’re being swept away in into the fantasy. It’s absolutely vital to keep both feet firmly in reality because once you’re hooked; it’s incredibly hard to get out of.
2. Ignore the bombs; carry on with the convo but keep bringing it back to the appropriate level you’d expect with someone you don’t really know.
That’s right; you don’t know this person from a bar of soap. Even if you’ve met a few times, you’re still only seeing what you’re being shown. Most people, show you their ‘travel brochure’ in the first three months. It’s all best foot forward until the dust settled and then you start to see the real persona emerge. So hold off getting emotionally involved until you do.
3. Call it out. Love-bombing is OTT and often inappropriate. I once had a love-bomber who made comments such as;
“Btw, did you see the moon I put on for you tonight?”
Hmmm, really, I don’t think that was you. And….
“The way the rays of light at dusk shine on my driveway, it’s just so incredibly beautiful; I just had to share this moment with you.”
We’d only text a couple of times and from the off his language was very formal. He’d start a message with “pardon me for intruding” and end it with “yours respectfully.” Now before you go thinking how polite and gentlemanly he is, just ask yourself, “does anyone in this century really speak like that?”
No. And that’s a red flag because he’s being inauthentic. Of course it’s nice to be nice but talking like you’re out of 19th century novel, isn’t real.
He lived interstate and I was very clear in telling him, several times in fact, that a distance relationship did not appeal to me and I wasn’t interested in pursuing things further. He asked to call me so he could share his wisdom on long distance dating and convince me otherwise (man speak for disrespecting my boundaries and decision) And then he sent me this message:
“Dawn, I’m doing my darndest to manifest a move. I’ve moved mountains for love Dawn (note the over use of my name to intensify the connection) the scale of which would move you. When it comes to love, in true love there are no obstacles. I’m taking you very seriously and given the opportunity I might be moving mountains for you.”
Aw, romantic, right..? Wrong. We hadn’t even had a phone conversation, only random chatting by text, none of which I’d eluded to any romantic notion with him. In fact I’d spelled out my lack of interest. I’d also unmatched him in the dating app. And yet here he was doing his “darndest to manifest a move.”
Needless to say when I called out his inappropriate gushing….
“Hey that’s a conversation I won’t have with someone I haven’t even spoken to on the phone, let alone met. It’s strange that you’re going there when we know nothing about each other.”
… I never heard from him again.
You have get real when it comes to what men are feeding you. Real connection is genuine; it should be like talking to a friend at first. Of course a little flirting in nice, but you don’t know the person you’re flirting with and if they venture into gushy, romantic, love laden convos with inappropriate promises of moving states and mountains chances are you’re being love-bombed, and that’s not a good sign.
Take a step back into reality. I know it can feel good to have someone attention but you have to remember you have nothing to gauge their sincerity on. If there’s relationship potential there’s no rush. It’s not a race to the finish line. Connection should unfold naturally and be time appropriate.
3. TEXTING & SEXTING
Texting is a great way to initially connect or communicate small snippets of info. Some men may however try to conduct the relationship mostly by text. This of course is a red flag.
You may even get a couple of dates, but you soon realise they’ve regressed back to texting way more often than they call or you meet up.
Relationships should be moving forward not backward. Even if you’re communicating long distance a man should want to hear your voice. And with skype and facetime there’s even less need to keep relying on email or text.
Sexting is the term for having a sexual experience via text message. It can be fun, no doubt, especially if you’re a fan of words. But there are evident dangers here that you need to be aware of. As above if your relationship is unfolding mostly or completely by text, especially if its moving into sexual realms there’s something amiss.
Sexting can create intense emotion and feeling which reinforces a false sense of closeness. If you’re in a relationship and it’s complimentary to your physical dates, great, knock yourself out. But if texting is all that’s happening and you can’t get past this stage it’s likely that he has no intention of taking it further.
Unless you’re looking for a pen pal, it’s time to jump ship.
Also, be a little wary of someone who’s incredibly good at texting and sexting. Why? Because they’ve clearly had plenty of practice, and most likely it wasn’t with the ex-wife they recently divorced.
As with love bombing you may notice there’s a part of you that’s already been picking up on these subtle clues. As you read through this guide there’ll be many moments when you know you’ve sensed the dodgy behaviours I’m spelling out for you. At the time you had a feeling, as fleeting as it was. But you brushed it away and carried on enjoying yourself.
I’m all for fun, but the problem is that when its coming from a foundation of deceit it’s not fun for long. Someone always ends up hurt, and that someone is going to be you.
So what do you do?
Steer it away from text as quickly as possible. If it’s been a while and you’re not getting a date or any traction it’s time to either move along and stop responding or if you want to see if it’s got any potential, call it out.
“Hey I’m not one for having a relationship by text. If you want to move things forward, let me know. Otherwise good luck with dating but I’m out.”
“Hey it’s fun having a pen pal but I’m looking for something with more substance. If you want to meet up let me know. “
The response you get will depend on what happens next. He’s not stupid, he knows exactly what to do. He’ll either ask to call you and ask you out, or he organise a date with you there and then. If he does neither, that’s his response, and now you must cut it off and stop replying.
If he texts back that he’d like to meet make sure you lock in a day and time.
“Great, when were you thinking I’m free Thursday night.”
If he’s flaky and doesn’t tie it down or says he’ll get back to you leabe it with:
“Well my week’s fills up pretty fast, but it’s up to you.”
And end the convo there. If he texts back anything other than details of the date DO NOT respond. Rule of thumb: in the early dating stages, he should always send the last message, and instigate the next conversation.
If you keep texting you’re showing him that your words don’t align with your actions and he will pick up that you’re easily manipulated
4. FIRST DATES
So you’ve moved on from texting and secured the first date. First dates should have low expectation. You’re really just making a connection to see how genuine the person is and get a feel for what they’re looking for and if there’s any potential for moving forward. It is however important that you set the bar high on the first date and communicate your value because what you do from hereon in, sets the tone for future dates.
Meeting for coffee is a perfect first date. It’s relaxed, easy and you don’t have to hang around if you’re not feeling a connection. Even if you’re enjoying yourself the date should typically last no longer than an hour.
Jumping straight into dinner or even lunch and sitting talking for hours, is risky. You might not gel at all which can be awkward and you’re also communicating that you’re very available and that you don’t value your time.
If you’re serious about finding a decent partner first dates are about creating the right conditions to bring out the best in a man and gauge the potential for a second date.
A man won’t see you rushing off as rude or unacceptable. If anything it creates desire in him that you’re busy, that you’ve given him a snippet of your time, but that you have a life to get back to and energy and focus aren’t on him.
Men are hard wired to pursue, masculine energy needs space in between seeing you and wanting to see you again to create the desire that leads his to spending more time with you.
So organise a coffee date and set the time for one hour max, at which point you leave. There’s no need to say where or what for. You don’t know this person, remember, and you owe them nothing.
He should be making a date to see you again before you leave. If he likes you he’ll bring it up. If he doesn’t, say nothing. DO NOT initiate the next meet.
“Well it was greet meeting you, I have to go. Enjoy the rest of your day!“
If he initiates another date make sure you lock in the day and time. This isn’t about being desperate but more respecting and valuing your time. You’re a busy woman, and if it doesn’t get locked in now there’s a chance you’ll be booked up and it might not happen. If he’s interested he won’t want to take that chance.
These subtle cues are very important to communicate early on because you’re showing a man that you consider yourself valuable, and if wants to spend time with you he’ll have to consider you valuable too. And trust me he will, but only if you set the bar early by acting from a place of value.
There’s another very important rule of thumb on first dates and that’s listen more than you talk.
You should be listening about 70% and talking 30%. Why? Because you’re looking for the subtle red flags that you’ll miss if you’re too busy talking.
Listening brings you back to presence and presence is a powerful tool that will protect you and save you from heartache. Listen for love bombing, and any inconsistencies that don’t add up. Also by listening you’ll be picking up on body language and subtle cues that will tell you if something is off.
Sit back in your chair and observe. You’ll be surprised what you see. And again you’re sending a clear message that you’re a woman who knows her worth, isn’t just looking for anyone, and doesn’t fall for BS easily.
Understanding the power of listening on the first date is vital. Red flags appear from the very first meet, and if you’re too busy talking, you’ll miss them.
What NOT to do on a first date:
These three key DON’TS are equally important:
1. Don’t sleep with a man on the first date. Rule of thumb; 3 months or at least 8 dates before sex. I don’t care how liberated you’re telling yourself you are, or how much he promises he’ll still respect you. Being intimate before you’ve established trust is setting yourself up for heartache.
Also be aware that a man who tries to sleep with you on a first date is showing you something about himself. He’s likely not serious about a relationship, if he was he’d be more respectful and he’d taking his time.
2. Don’t tell him your life story. If you’re employing the listening more than talking rule this shouldn’t be too hard. Telling someone personal, intimate details about your life before you know them is a red flag that you’re desperate for attention and company and reeks of being emotionally vulnerable.
Sharing your secrets with someone you just met isn’t cool. It’s also dangerous. Some men, those with narcissistic tendencies for example, are listening closely to what you tell them. They’re looking for your weaknesses and your pain points and they’ll use these to their advantage and your disadvantage when the time’s right.
And never be pressured into sharing anything you’re not comfortable talking about. Let you gut lead, it will tell you if you’re being pushed to which you can simply say:
“Oh that’s for another time.”
“Wouldn’t you like to know all my secrets?” (said with a wink)
“Oh that’s a long story; anyway tell me more about you, what do you like doing at the weekends?” (Or something similar)
3. Don’t start or end with big expectations. There’s no need to start telling yourself this is the one. The first date is nothing more than a meet to see if a person is genuine and if there’s any interest.
It’s a deeper glance and a next step. Sure there may be chemistry, but what you have to realise about chemistry is it can often lie. You may be being mirrored, or love bombed, or you may resonate with a deeper part of this person that isn’t so much aligned with love, but more aligned with your own subconscious pattern of picking wrong partners for example.
The bottom line is keep it cool, light, no expectations, sit back, listen and let him lead. And if you don’t get a second date within a week, two at the max (some men are slow) then you need to move forward and let it go.
5. FUTURE FAKING
Future faking is similar to love bombing and mirroring in that its purpose is to create a false sense of connection and also security, but really it’s all just hot air. Your new texting bud (or maybe by now you’ve had a couple of dates) may already be hinting at future plans.
This is a red flag. Maybe it’s a weekend away or spending the holidays together. Maybe it’s that little cabin in the mountains or the by the beach in Bali, the one where you can hear the waves gently kiss the shore as the moonlight streams in through the muslin curtain that falls from the window.
Rip the needle off the record right about here.
Future faking is a nasty little game that leads you on a merry dance. It’s saying “I see myself with you in the future” without actually saying, “I see myself with you in the future.”
You can tell future faking because no plans are ever made. The key is that he hints, and you fall deeper into the fantasy without the physical, actual effort of planning and making things real.
Future faking goes a little like this.
“I can see us now, in a cabin in the mountains we should look into it.”
“You’d really enjoy spending Christmas with me at (X).”
“We’d make great babies.”
“Wouldn’t it be great if one day we moved in together?”
“I’d love to take you to Greece, Hawaii (insert exotic country here) someday, you’d love it.”
And maybe you would, but without any follow through and actual plans being made and given that you probably don’t even really know each other yet, it’s geared to lure you into the illusion and so your response should be something like this.
“Sounds good, we’ll see.”
“Nice idea! Let’s see what happens.”
By using the “we’ll see” technique you stop future faking in its tracks. You’re staying in reality and you’re acknowledging that time will tell. It may happen, but right now you’re not pretending that it is happening, because until it is, it’s not.
You’re also communicating that you actually haven’t agreed to spend your precious time away with someone, especially someone you just met. This sends a subtle but strong message that a man is going to have to work a bit harder for the privilege of having a future with you.
I once had an invitation to Paris on a first coffee date.
“I’m going to Paris to see my daughter, you should come. What are you doing on (insert date here?)”
Sounds nice..? Maybe, but seriously - “NO.” You don’t accept invites to Paris or anywhere else from people you just met.
Massive red flag right there, and typical behaviour of an EUM who’s in the early stages of blowing hot. My reply was:
“Hmm, thanks for the invite, I’m not sold on a second date yet, it’s a bit soon for an overseas trip.” (Said with a wink and smile.)
Women have to see through the bullsh*t and get comfortable being direct with men. We often fall into the story of not wanting to offend someone, and being “nice.”
And sadly many men know this only too well and take advantage of it. Being direct isn’t being rude; it’s simply keeping it real. It’s calling it as it is without judgement or accusation. And it’s not falling into the fantasy.
Future faking is a ploy to create a sense of closeness and a future that doesn’t exist. Let the relationship manifest naturally before you go jumping into any future fantasies about where he might take you and what you might do together.
If you suspect you may be with a future faker be sure to be pro-active and confirm any plans he’s made for holidays, or outings, ot even dinner because otherwise you’ll be at the mercy of him flaking out when he can deliver the goods. And you’ll be left to pick up the piece s of disappointment once again.
Ghosting is the term used to describe the behaviour of someone you’ve spent time with, dated, and maybe even built up a relationship with, who, without warning goes MIA.
You may or may not have been intimate with him, but there was a strong connection. Wild chemistry even and you had every reason to believe it was going somewhere.
It was going swimmingly; the effort was high, the dates were exciting; you felt sure it was ‘on’. And then suddenly a day or two passed without the usual text message or call you’d become accustomed to.
And then a week went by.
And this is unusual because since you connected you’d been in contact regularly.
So you send a message:
“Hey, just checking in, hope you’re ok...?”
You leave it a day or two and you might try ringing but it just rings out. So you leave a voice message:
“Hey haven’t heard from you in while, let me know you’re ok. I’d love to see you.”
You wait another week, send another message; still nothing. Now you’re left baffled and blind sighted, wondering what went wrong.
You’ve been officially ghosted.
Ghosts cut contact with no warning or explanation. Maybe they want to avoid the “dear John letter” or the awkward “It’s not you, it’s me” convo.
Maybe they met someone else. Maybe their granny died; maybe they change their minds as often as they change their socks. Who really knows, and you’ll tie yourself in knots guessing.
The first thing to understand about ghosting is that it isn’t personal. Don’t make it about you. Making it about you will put you in a low vibration energy of lack and despaettaion and siste you don’t want to tbe there. You have a high value man to attract. So get into a space of love and abundance and imagine you have 5 other guys all texting and interested in you (more on rotation later) and you’ll discover that the ghost falls from your radar. The Universe is abundant, remember and you are a diamond. You can’t hold onto a ghost and you wouldn’t want to.
So if you’ve been ghosted the only response is do nothing for three reasons:
1. Anything you do now will just make you seem (and feel) more desperate and put you in an energy of lack.
2. Closure is over rated; you don’t need it. Right now ghosting is the only evidence you need to know that there’s nothing going on but the rent. Move on.
3. Ghosts almost always come back to haunt you (submarining). You’ll get your chance to respond all in good time.
Submarining is the term for when the ghost suddenly reappears from the deep, dark, depths of who the F knows where.
Don’t expect an elaborate explanation, it usually won’t be forthcoming in fact ghosts typically submerge with the least possible effort.
“How are you?”
These are crumbs. Don’t fall for the idea that because he’s suddenly texting he’s making an effort. He may want to see you, but a text is just a text, and a crumb, well, it’s just a crumb.
Typically if it’s been longer than 4 weeks you don’t want to pick crumbs up. You can practices being a diamond, ignore and block his number. After all if he’s ignoring you and giving you crumbs in the beginning when it’s the time to impress you he’s likely to do the same if not worse if you ever get it into the relationship stage.
But if it’s less than 4 weeks and you want to reply always follow this rule of thumb:
Never give more investment, energy or effort than you’re receiving.
Mirror the level of effort and NEVER initiate moving things forward by asking to see the ghost, not even a simple “so when are we catching up?”
And NEVER reply right away.
The longer you leave it to pick up crumbs, the better. Aim for a few hours, 24 hours is good, or even 2 or 3 days (yes you really can wait that long, you’ve already waited over a month.)
Remember you MUST stay in the mindset that there’s an abundance of men out there, AND you’re busy and in demand, so why would you be rushing to pick up crumbs?
So your response would look like this.
“I’m good, you?”
At this point you may get hit with a lame excuse as to why they’ve been missing in MIA.
Excuses are not reasons; they are finely disguised lies that look like this.
“Hey, been super busy.”
“Work’s been hectic.”
“Haven’t had a minute.”
“Had a crazy few weeks!”
And one of my faves…
“Barely coming up for air here.” (Really..? You’re so busy you haven’t got time to actually breathe! Wow, who even are you, president of the world?!)
Yes people can be super busy, and yes men can go MIA, it’s in their nature to withdraw for various reasons BUT it’s important not to buy into excuses. Because you’re setting the tone for what you’ll put up with later on. Being “too busy” is a convenient excuse and is basically the modern day equivalent of having a headache. If a man wants to connect with you, he’ll find a way to do it.
This is a crucial time to communicate your value.
It’s ok that he ghosted, its ok that he’s submarining, he’s a free agent and he can do what he wants. Your self-esteem and self-worth can NEVER be tied to what he’s doing or not doing.
BUT now you have to be clear on what you want and if he’s going to have any potential at all, accepting his lame excuses is sending a message to him that you’re open to him managing down your expectations of him.
Excuses get him off the hook and rope you into the fantasy that it’s acceptable for him to have dropped out and ignored you for weeks on end. Of course he’s under no obligation to contact you. This is about YOU deciding what you’re worth and what you want and if you accept his excuse of being “busy” now expect to hear it over and over again.
This doesn’t mean you confront him, call him a liar, etc., in fact this is one thing you NEVER do. This will have the opposite effect of what you want. Being prickly and needy sends a message that you’re desperate and feeds into the fear of lack and not enoughness.
Stay light and easy, kind and loving, this is ALWAYS your secret weapon when dealing when men. Even when you’re being direct, do it from a place of loving kindness.
So he’s surfaced, and you’ve matched his investment, now he’ll either drop right out again which means he was just using you to stroke his ego and see if you were still open to responding. And btw if you matched his level of investment you’ve given him nothing so don’t feel bad for responding, but now you know.
Or he’ll try and move it along further to see you. And it will happen in one of two ways. He’ll directly ask you out or he’ll indirectly see what you’re up to.
Remember ghosting and submarining are red flags and in this stage of discovery you’re finding out you a lot about who they are by how they act so if you’re going to proceed you need to do so with eyes wide open.
It’s important her that he makes the effort to be the one to ask you out. Asking “what are you up?” to isn’t the same as asking “are you free to come out for dinner this weekend?”
Do not offer up your plans or availability, you owe him nothing. If he’s flakey around asking, (“what are you up to?”)
Hand it back to him:
“I have a few things lined up, how about you.?”
You need to hand it back to him to see what he’s really made of and if his interest in you is genuine. He may simply be surfacing because he’s bored, missed his flight or has 5 minutes to kill. Or maybe he just wants to see if you’re still hanging on in there. You also need to let him lead because this is what men do well.
If he doesn’t quickly lead the conversation around to asking to see you, stop responding. No, it’s not rude. You’re dealing with someone who went MIA for a month and has now surfaced with crumbs. You’re not being polite by continuing to picking them up.
In the absence of making plans with you breadcrumbing, ghosting and submarining are stages in a game. If he can pick up where he left off and keep contact with minimum effort he’ll set you up for the next stage. And trust me it’s all downhill from here.
Keep the texting going when it’s going nowhere is wasting your precious time and energy and communicating to him that you don’t value either and that you’re open to being played.
And DON’T fall into a cosy chat with him. Don’t tell him what’s been happening in your life, at work or with your dog.
Save the real stuff for face to face.
If he doesn’t initiate a meeting or follow up date early on in the conversation END THE CONVO. Either stop responding or use this:
“Hey, nice to chat but I’ve gotta run. Have a great week!”
“Gotta go, have a great week!”
Ending with “have a great week!” is a powerful cut off, it’s super positive, light and happy and shows you’re not attached to any outcome. You’re not expecting anything from him, he’s irrelevant, and you won’t be waiting with baited breath for the next crumb.
If he replies to your end text, do not answer. His text should always be the last one sent. This keeps you in the position of power.
So what do you do if he does ask you directly?
If he asks you out directly and you’re busy that night DO NOT CANCEL YOUR PLANS. This is key; if he wants to see you and you’re busy this will only INCREASE his desire for you.
“Hey that might be fun, but I’ve already got plans for that night.”
He should then suggest another night and if you’re free and you want to go then you need to proceed in a way that communicates your value BEFORE accepting the date.
NOW, if he DOES everything right and ask to see you, here’s how you need to respond:
“Sounds fun and I could be into going, but I have a quick question for you, could you give me a quick call when you get a moment?”
If you’re going to proceed you NEED the call. It’s not much to ask of a man who disappeared for a month. If he texts back after this, regardless of what he says; DO NOT RESPOND. You’ve asked for a call and nothing less will do. If there’s no call, stay silent.
By stating you have a quick question you’ll create some curiosity in him and if he wants to see you, he’ll definitely call. Here’s why its important that he does.
If you organise the date by text and he’s already ghosted, there’s a chance he’ll flake. After all it’s been so easy. All he had to do was send a few texts and you agreed to spend your valuable time with him.
Getting him to call gets him to step up and this is your chance to now communicate your value and nip the bad behaviour in the bud.
The conversation should go like this:
“Hey nice to hear your voice (this is powerful positive reinforcement that will encourage him to call again). So I’d like to see you but I just wanted to check something with you. You dropped out there for a bit and that was pretty flaky. I’m not interested in flaky men, (this is powerful because men hate to think of themselves as “flaky”, they’ll want to be better than this.) I find them a real turn off to be honest (this is powerful because no man wants to think he’s a turn off.) So I just want to check, if you’re THAT flaky guy, and it’s totally ok if you are (no judgement) but if you are, I’m not interested in wasting my time.”
AND THEN STOP, WAIT FOR AND CLOSELY LISTEN TO HIS REPLY.
This is very powerful conversation to have for three reasons:
1. You’re taking control of what you want and clearly stating what you don’t want, this shows you respect yourself you’re your needs and you’re not afraid to voice them.
2. You’re calling out the flakiness but you’re saying ‘hey it’s ok if that’s you there’s no judgement here’ which shows you’re a high value, compassionate, intelligent woman.
3. You’re setting him a challenge to step up and be a better man. Men are hard wired to step up and be a hero but only under the right conditions.
He’ll either rise to a challenge and apologise for his flakiness and assure you he’s not that guy or he’ll be defensive and then he’ll flake on you again. And you’ll both know you were right.
Either way it’s a win/win for you because if he’s a flake, sister you don’t want him anyway. And if he’s not well, you’ve set the bar and shown him that you’re not a woman who’ll stand to be treated this way.
You’ve also shown him that you know what you want and you won’t accept what you don’t want; flaky bad behaviour.
If he says he’s not that guy and wants to see you MUST get a date locked in before the call ends.
“So when were you thinking, I’m free Thursday…?”
Then you end the call ASAP.
If you don’t get the call or you get it but don’t get the date locked in its time to cut him loose for good he is an EUM has no intention of having a relationship, right now.
Ghosting and submarining may seem annoying but they’re great opportunities for to get weed out the wheat from chaff, get crystal clear on what you want and don’t want and communicate your value either directly in how you respond or energetically by how you don’t.
The key is never to get disheartened but to stay in a high vibe, when you deal with a ghost and submariner properly you raise your vibration and stop aligning with them altogether.
You’ll feel high value knowing that you’ve used them to practice and you’ve responded in ways that don’t leave you wide open to the next stage of game playing.
8. E-MAINTAINING / TETHERING
E-maintaining or tethering and sometimes also known as benching is a term that describes the downright hideous behaviour of having had your expectations managed down to scraps and your interest maintained with the least possible effort.
E-maintaining is next level cold and calculating and once you see what’s really happening and recognise it for what it is, you’ll truly be amazed you fell for it.
E-maintaining is having you tethered to the end of an electronic piece of string. Once you’re hooked and he knows that you’ll tolerate his crap behaviour (you’ve already passed the ghosting and submarining tests) you’ll now be drip fed just enough crumbs to keep you interested, but never enough to actually give you anything of him.
You can literally set your watch by him. He’s probably got an alarm in his phone that lets him know it’s your turn for a message.
And make no mistake, you’re one of many women he’s maintaining. This really is the underpinning of e-maintaining. E-maintainers keep several women at arms lengths just in case they need them for sex, ego stroking, and a shoulder to cry on. But only when it suits them of course.
E-maintaining works because he’s strategically managed down your expectations of him to literally nothing. He’s cut you off so many times, left you hanging, fed you crumbs and repeating gone MIA only to reappear out of the blue. He’s ignored you at weekends, taken days to get back to you, if at all, he doesn’t ask to take you out, and he shows no interest in your life, and yet here you are, still responding.
You’ve heard his excuses so often, you not only believe them but you rationalise away his crap behaviour and YOU make excuses for him. He doesn’t even have to do that anymore.
You tell yourself and your friends who have long had him pegged:
“He’s super busy.”
“His work load has exploded lately and he just doesn’t have time.”
“He so focused on his company right now.”
“He’s having issues with his ex-wife.”
“He’s really busy with his kids.”
And this is exactly what he wanted; he set it up to be like this. You, happy with crumbs, making his excuses, never challenging him or calling him out for his bad behaviour. Always being there, waiting like a good little, loyal puppy starved of attention.
He’s got you dangling on a string and he’s feeding you just enough to keep you hanging without losing you altogether.
In case you’re wondering, E-maintainers know exactly what they’re doing. They’re very strategic, they drip feed and they know when to give you a little bit extra to make you think they’re genuinely missing you or thinking about you.
They’re masters at quickly creating the impression that they care and that there’s still a connection worth hanging around for.
They start with the usual lame crumbs:
“How are you?”
“Crazy busy here!”
And then they throw in a few personal scraps.
“How’s the studying/house sale/new job/ your mum going?
They use something they picked up from the last lame conversation they had with you. That they remember something apparently important about you lulls you into a false sense of connection.
“I’ve been thinking about you.”
“I’ve really missed you.”
“I can’t stop thinking about the time we …” (insert memory from one of the few by now distant dates you had in the beginning.)
He may also allude to a date:
“I’d love to see you!”
“We should catch up soon!”
“Dinner would be nice!”
“As soon as I’m free I’d love to come over!”
And now you’re excited. He’s back; he cares, he wants to see you and the spark’s still there. And then suddenly, he’s gone again.
“Anyway, I’m at the airport, just about to board.”
“Text you when I land.”
“Battery’s about to die.”
“Driving right now, will call later.”
Only it’s a call you never get.
You may however get the odd picture, from a plane perhaps or of his kids who he’s apparently been hanging out with. Or maybe it’s the view from the hotel room he’s staying at.
The pictures are deigned to lead you to believing the illusion that he’s sharing his life with you. He’s not. Maybe the pictures are real, maybe they’re not. Maybe they were taken months ago and he keeps them in his phone to use when he needs to build more fake connection.
I once had a picture come through from an EUM who was apparently at a work conference, he added, “flat out doing long days, every day.” Interestingly the picture included the date of the conference he was apparently attending. The date was two months ago.
If you keep picking up his crumbs and playing along with the fantasy it will go on indefinitely.
You need to get out and get out fast. If you reply remember to use the rule of thumb about keeping it short and the same amount of effort.
And then STOP responding.
Or you can use this:
“Nice to hear from you (always keep it light) busy, can’t chat, maybe later..?”
This will be the last thing he expects from you. Showing that you’re indifferent to him is a potent way to take back your power.
Remember the rule of thumb never invest more time energy or effort than in s being invested in you. By mirroring his lack of effort however you may set off an alarm bell in him. His ego will be dented and that may prompt him to up the ante a little.
DON’T FALL FOR IT
What you have to realise about e-maintainers is that you aren’t his first rodeo. He’s got it down pat and that’s precisely why you fell for it in the first place, because he did it seamlessly. It didn’t feel clunky or awkward; you fell into it because he’s perfected the art. It felt natural, right even; you trusted him and he led you where he wanted you to go.
He’s a master e-manipulator.
Don’t blame yourself and know you’re not alone. It wasn’t your fault you got sucked in. The man is a master, he’s been honing his skills for a very long time. But now it’s your responsibility to stop the madness and make sure it doesn’t happen again.
So what do you do?
Well it’s quite simple:
You drop him like hot potato.
You don’t confront a potato for being hot; you don’t wonder how you’ll drop it, if it deserves to be dropped, or what you’ll do when you do drop it. You drop it, you drop it fast and you walk the fuck away.
You delete the crumbs and conversations from your phone, app or email. You do not want this man or his energy and the toxic remnants of the fake relationship clogging up your field.
Delete him and then block.
E-maintainers are one of the worst, there’s little to no hope of ever having a decent relationship with them.
They’re dishonest and disrespectful and they’ve been stringing you and other unsuspecting caring, loving soul-sisters along.
By now you shouldn’t even want to breathe the same air as an e-maintainer.
It’s not that their bad people, but for various reasons they’re emotionally toxic and destructive and you must get as far away from this horrible behaviour as you possibly can.
If you don’t block, always, ALWAYS ignore the next maintenance text, and there will be one.
If he persists in his quest to lure you back in, after sufficient ignoring, at least two or three weeks, preferably longer. You can send the end text. Or you can go straight to this text:
“Hey, thanks for checking-in, but please unsubscribe me from your list (winky face.)”
“Hey, it’s been a while and I’ve moved on. All the best! X”
“Hi appreciate the check-in, but I’m dating now, good luck! x“
“Hey, flaky random texting has become a real turn off. It’s not for me, all the best!“
“I expect more honesty, communication and connection than what exists between us. I don’t feel its worth seeing one another again. Good luck with everything.
Keep your energy light, positive, kind but assertive. You don’t need to reprimand or punish him. You’re wasting your time anyway, there’s nothing you need say, the games up and you’re not playing anymore and that’s that.
Realize now that somewhere along the lines you’ve participated in this game, and take responsibility for that. You need to learn from it to stop this pattern repeating again.
This is one assclown you will NEVER turn around. You’ve wasted too much time on him already.
Be clear in your mind that you don’t want him, he certainly doesn’t want you. And not because there’s anything wrong with you but because he’s not emotionally available. He has issues that prevent him from authentic loving connection. If you think you want him what you’re simply seeking is validation from him, and clinging to an old attachment.
Stay positive and light and get back to the powerful energy of love and abundance. This man is blocking your greatest love from finding you. Do you really want that?
It’s never too late to start acting like the high value diamond, not matter what you’ve done up till now you are under no obligation to be the same person you were 5 minutes ago. Step up sister.
It’s time to show the world that you’re a confident, high -value, feminine, strong woman who sees through his games AND won’t allow his bad energy to infect her.
You’re showing him what he’s missing and you’re reclaiming your power.
I know it’s tempting to give him a serve but his ego will find a way to turn it back on you and you’ll get sucked into his power games. And he’ll likely win because he’s much better than you at being a hollow human being.
If he responds to your the end text, and it’s likely he will, IGNORE IT. His ego has kicked in and he’s trying to prove to himself that he can rope you back in.
Getting you back into his web may become a challenge he wants to win, but be sure that once he gets your attention again its back to disappearing.
And probably this time for good, just to show you who’s boss.
After all, he has many more women dangling; he doesn’t need you. And if he really cared or wanted you he wouldn’t be e-maintaining you in the first place.
He may try to call you, turning up the effort (which you now think is actually something but is really nothing; it’s just a measly phone call).
If you answer he’ll turn on the charm, try to persuade you to keep contact with him. He’ll may even give in to agreeing to a date with you, apparently.
DON’T FALL FOR IT. DON’T ANSWER. Let it ring out.
And don’t fall into the trap of thinking you’re losing him. You never had him in the first place. It’s all been just a big illusion. He’ll never give you more than he’s been giving you because he can’t, and he won’t. And he now knows he that you don’t believe you deserve more.
You’re NOT ruining any chance you have of being with him (though if you still want a chance with him, that’s really something you need to explore in yourself.)
He’ll get the message and he’ll move on. He may surface sometime in the future with a lame apology perhaps. INGORE THAT TOO. It’s all part of the game.
And it is a game to him.
If he’s been e-maintaining you it’s not accidental; he meant to do it.
People who treat people this way have a certain type of dangerous unreined in ego. They won’t change and they don’t care to.
This is the end of the road.
He may try to convince you otherwise; but you have all the evidence you need to know that his actions will always speak louder than his pitiful words. You’ve learned some stellar lessons here. NOW GET OUT AND DON’T LOOK BACK.
I shudder even writing this because if there’s anyone you want to run from and never look back, it’s the true narcissist. Men who employ the behaviours we’ve covered above may have narcissistic tendencies in that they’re selfish and calculating and actually see no wrong in their games.
The narc however is in a league all of his own.
This is a breed of man who is damaging beyond comprehension. He is ultra-deceitful, cold and controlling and has bad news running through him like a stick of rock.
“The alarm bells came very shortly after but I wasn’t going to let anything get in the way of my romantic illusion. My man was damaged (former drug addict). Little did I know the real truth, which came out gradually. He had mountains of debt, unpaid credit cards, debt collectors, child support (4 children he seems to have forgotten existed), debt in other names, the list goes on. 6 months in it dawned on me he had a severe alcohol problem. The first time we argued about this, he spat in my face. When I regretfully slapped him, he decked me. I fell like a fly and was numb, in denial, he didn’t mean it, he was sorry, he would stop drinking. I bought it all, to preserve my illusion of the perfect relationship. I’ve been called every name under the sun and my self-esteem has fallen to nothing. And yet I’m a professional woman, with a brilliant career – how could this happen?”
I’m not a fan of labels but narcissists are hideous humans, they hold in them a wound of epic proportions and they are not someone you want to encounter in person. Getting romantically involved with is emotionally, physically, spiritually disastrous.
How to spot a narcissist and 10 signs you’re dating one.
1. They have excessive interest in themselves. They talk all about me inflated sense of important lack of empathy, fragile self-esteem vulnerable to criticism
▪ All about me –talk about themselves/achievements/me
▪ Lack of reliability – words and actions don’t match, don’t text, show up, break agreements, never their fault
▪ Instant gratification – pushes for sex and creates discomfort, guilt, e.g. wants sex without commitment, makes you wrong to get what he wants
▪ Entitlement – feels entitled to what they want, double standards
▪ Criticiser – criticises everyone, puts down others, and flips sensitivity onto you/projection of own sensitivity.
▪ Powermove – (1. increase your self of sense-esteem and self love, and shift the result. 2. Tune into your sense of confidence and think back to a time you felt confident and made a decision from that place of confident. See where you were, imagine youre there right now, tune into your body, where do you feel it, give it a colour now feel it see it in your minds eye, feel it, now take with with you, the colour and emotion and feel it right now and from there make an empowered decision from there. Ask that part of you, connect to the part of you that has the power and ask it what decision can I make to move me in the direction of my dream.
Unfortunately they can be exceptionally charming when you first meet them.
They’ll employ the tactics of love bombing and mirroring (see red flags), in a big way. They typically won’t venture into e-maintaining a true narc will want physical control, so you’ll typically get a lot of physical contact with them.
They’ll move fast. They want to know everything about you so they can use it against you later. They’ll build up a profile of your strengths and weakness waiting to exploit you at every turn.
They can play the game for quite a while before exposing their true self; sometimes years, especially if you’re still in the dating stages. It’s often not until you move in together, get married or have a child, (something that signals you’re now tied to them) that it then true cracks start to show, now that it’s safe for them to let the devil out of the bag.
And they will not hold back in letting you know their darkness.
They’ll belittle you, drain your confidence and self-esteem, manipulate, gas-light, spread poison; convince others you’re the crazy one. Their mind games will boggle and literally make your hair curl. They’ll blame you for absolutely everything and take responsibility for absolutely nothing.
Narcissists are deeply damaged individuals who hold the darkest most unconscious never to be looked at wound. You will never reach them.
They’re completely and utterly closed to love. And there really isn’t much you can do about it. You can’t save them; they can’t be stopped or cured. Your only options are to either develop coping strategies that will minimise the damage, or get out, run and never look back. And that won’t be easy, leaving a narcissistic is an injury they won’t take lying down.
You’re causing injury to an already wounded man with an incredibly fragile self-esteem (don’t be fooled by the confidence), he will not take it lying down.
This is truly a scenario where prevention is better than cure. I’ve seen the damage, and some people never ever recover from it. Some even lose their lives. Men who kill their ex-partner’s when they leave are narcissistic and cannot tolerate the wound of being abandoned.
Even if you get away they will hold a grudge against you forever. God help you if you have children with them. They will make everyone’s lives a misery.
If you ignore the red flags, and they’re always there, even if they hide their narcissism you’d better be prepared to go to hell and back.
There are many red flags here are some key ones:
• Charming to the point of “too much”
• Talking about themselves
• Boasting, big noting achievements
• Intense questioning when you first meet them
• Stalking face-book, constant texting and communication
• Trying to sleep with you early on to get you emotionally hooked
• Your gut tells you somethings off
• They bad mouth their exs playing the victim – nothing was ever their fault
• They thing they are superior to others and expect to be treated as such
• They thing they are superior to you and make comments about how lucky you are to have met them
• They make grandiose promises they never keep
• They exaggerate their achievement or skills
• They’re quick to anger
This list is far from exhaustive but if you pay attention to these red flags early on and if you are employing the practises I’ve already covered you should be able to spot them and run before they tighten the noose around your neck.
So if its not too late how do you get out.
If you catch it early there’s a good chance you’ll dodge a bullet. Cutting contact is the only way. You can’t play games with a narc they will win because they have no moral or ethical standard to hold themselves too. If they sense game playing they burn you harder.
You have to end it and end it fast.
Sending the end text is a gamble. Because ultimately you are rejecting and abandoning the narc which will feed into his old wound.
You have to catch the red flags and immediately cut contact and not respond.
If you want to send the end text you might be able to swing with:
“Hey I’m not looking for anything serious right now.”
“I’ve realised I’m not over my ex and don’t want to get involved with anyone right now.”
These are low injury texts that don’t say “rejection” unlike something along these lines:
“Hey I don’t think we’re right for each other, sorry, but I don’t want to take things further.” (He reads; “there’s something wrong with you.”)
“Sorry this isn’t working for me.” (he reads: “you’re not working for me.”)
Stay away from anything that can be read as being a criticism. And do not give any long winded explanation. Short and sweet and once you’ve sent it, leave it at that. Delete his number, block it and move on. And be grateful that you’ve had a lucky escape and committed to catching red flags even earlier.
If you’re in deeper the same rule of thumb applies; you have to go no contact. Narcissists are energy vampires, they feed on energy and whatever you give them they’ll use as food and they’ll keeping seeking to be fed. The more you go no contact the weaker the connection becomes and they eventually move onto another supply.
They have to.
But if you feed them anything they’ll twist and turn it against you and do everything in their power to keep you enmeshed in their vile web feeding off you even when they’ve moved onto someone else.
You have to recognise that a narc is a sad-sack and shift your vibration from fear into pity. They can’t feed of your pity. They want your fear. Give them nothing.
Sounds good when are you free?
I’m free Friday, does that work?
If you don’t get a concrete reply with a day and time it isn’t going to happen. If a man wants to see you he’s not going to leave it by chance that you will be busy. He will lock it in, if he’s not locking it n he doesn’t want to. And if he’s been e-maintaining you, you know why.
If he replies with a day and time great. Lock it in and wait to see what he does when the time comes around. If he doesn’t confirm the date before it happens DO NOT confirm with him. You need to know if he really means it. Again if he really wants to see you he won’t forget/double book/not show up.
If he avoids it or flakes with a “I’ll let you know” type response DON’T REPLY. If he keeps trying to text, cut it off. Texting is NOT a relationship. If he wants to talk he can call.
End the testing by either not replying or by saying:
Gotta run, heading out the door. Chat soon! X
And then see if he gets back to with the day/time. Anything else is lip service.
Remember if he is genuine he will get back to you with a date. You lose nothing by not replying. He won’t be offended.
No matter how badly you’ve been sucked in up until now, it is not too late to change your game. There is no obligation for you to keep acting unconsciously and picking up crumbs or being the door mat you’ve been until now.
Never think it’s too late to salvage your dignity, no matter how much you’ve been played. If you get the chance to drop this one like a hot potato by not replying and/or using a cut off text great, do it! And consider it the new you. If you don’t, that’s fine too, your job not is to get busy learning everything you can from this so you can take it forward with you and not have it happen again.
You will come across that last one, the one how was the final straw that broke your back. The last one is a vital experience to your evolution without him you’d still be putting gup with lame excuses and be vulnerable to be ghosted, tethered, submarined benched and whatever the next craze is.
Because of the last one you will never fall into this trap again, and because of that you won’t waste your time and energy with men who emotionally unavailable and this makes you a magnet to men who are avaiable. They can smell the value from you. They know you can’t be fooled by BS and that you’re wise and you’ve refined your edges. And you did it through experience.
and not honroiungyourself have learned
When he submarines after ghosting and e-maintaining.
If he texts you, which is likely, you really need to consider not pickin gup the crumbs at all. Completely ignore him. You must remember you’re not the one being rude. Giving you crumbs, stringing you along, creating connection then disappearing, giving lame excuses and maintaining you once a fortnight with a couple of lousy text messages is what’s rude, and what’s more, he knows it.
He’s doing it to other women too,. This is what it’s all about. He isn’t just doing it to you, this is a pattern used to keep several women at once on a string.
Don’t pick up crumbs. IGNORE.
If he calls you have the option of taking his call, however this call should be to clear the air about where he has been and what’s going on. Always be light and loving, there is no need to reprimand or punish him, he’s not a child (though he may act like on) and don’t be a bitch about it. You only create discomfort in yourself. Accusing or confronting him will do nothing for you, however you of course state how you feel and clarify what you want.
“Hey it’s good to hear from you. So I’ve felt a bit turned off (this is powerful because men don’t want to think they turn women off) by your lack of contact, this kind of texting every two weeks relationship isn’t for me. If it’s for you, let’s leave things here.”
AGAIN, WAIT FOR HIS RESPONSE AND LISTEN TO WHAT HE SAYS.
If he owns it and has a plan for moving forward and you want to great. But you must lock a date in. And then get off the phone. Don’t hang around chatting, cut it short. “Well I have to run now, but look forward to seeing you!”
When he’s e-maintaining you fortnightly/monthly and wants to meet.
Once you realise what he’s been doing you really have to ask yourself is this the kind of man I want to move forward with. I would invite you to realise that it isn’t. Of course he may prove you wrong, but he will need to prove it and for that you need to cut him off. Read that again, you NEED to cut him off.
Its only by cutting him off that he’ll realise that you are a high value woman and he can’t play games with you. Anything else is tolerating him and his bad behaviour and whilst he may tow the line for a little while to hook you in again, it won’t be long before he does what he’s been dong. And you’re going to kick yourself later for not doing what you know you should’ve done.
Here are some of the likely scenarios and first off the bat you should be ignoring the crumbs for at least 2 days.
Then if he texts again, and this is likely because his ego won’t like being ignore and he’ll be wondering why you’re not rolling over and gobbling up his crumbs. He may then come back with a little more substance.
Him: Hey, wondering how you are, would like to see you, how about dinner?
Wait at least a few hours or the next day is even better to reply:
You: Hey, thanks for the invite, sounds fun, but I’m booked up at the moment, maybe next time..?
If he pursues after that, ALWAYS revert back to asking him to call first. NEVER accept a date with him by replying to his text. HE HAS TO CALL YOU. If you accept over text you’ve simply stroked his ego enough for him to back off again. He’s now saying to himself, “I’ve still got her, I don’t need to do anything now.”
If he doesn’t call you know his intentions. If he does you use the FLAKEY convo.
If he doesn’t call and then texts again days/weeks later again don’t pick up the crumbs. Wait at least 2 days. And until he messages again.
Hey, thanks for the invite but I’m not interested in anything further. I wish you well! X
Again you might want to tell him what a douche bag he is byut you have to let him see that you don’t care, that you’ve moved on that you’re a high value, confident woman who doesn’t date flkaey ghosters.
This will spike his interest in you, so be prepared for a response. If he calls you don’t answer, at least not the first time. You’re not at his beckon call, if you answer he knows your still interested and he has control. If he really has changed and wants you he has to prove it and quick call after being rejected isn’t proof. That’s ego.
If he keeps texting ignore.
If you re-enage you are simply stroking his ego. You have to take the communication off testing. Texting is great for quick communication. Hey can feed the dog before you go out. He I’m running late, see you in 10, IT IS NOT A METHOD OF CONDUCTING A REALTIONSHIP.
Been flat out!
Wouls love to see you.
If you want to reply:
Hey, nice to hear from you, glad things are going well. Have a great week!
Hey, I’m great thanks, enjoy your week!
Hey thanks for checking in, can’t chat right now, hope you’re well.
The key is that you are always coming from an energy of happy, confident, lightness and to NEVER invest more than the other person. Ending with have a great week, cuts the conversation short. It shouts I don’t need you nor need to see you.
There is never any point in confronting a ghosted because they will not admit nor take reposnsiblity for the ghosting. You are showing them that their bad behaviour is and h
Hey thanks for checking in. Glad you’re well!