You want a great relationship. And by great I'm guessing you want happy, safe, secure, wholesome forever love.
You want it wild, yet reassuring tranquil. You want a love that sees deep down into your soul. That gets you, and let's itself be got by you.
You want your till death do us part and maybe you thought you'd found it. Only that was then and this is now, and right now your relationship's teetering on the toilet.
Ready to disappear down the pipes of failure into oblivion.
You've tried arguing your way back to peace; strangely enough that didn't worked.
You feel sucked dry. You've jumped up and down, screamed your lungs out, bitten your tongue, you've sulked, withdrawn, you've manipulated (hey you've had to), you've pushed, you've pleaded, you've compromised and you've sacrificed.
You've spent hours sifting through the well meaning but poor advice from your friends and family - sorry but advice is useless. The person giving it is the only one qualified to use it because it belongs to them and them only.
Please don't take other people's advice.
You've maybe even tried couples counselling; and a fat lot of good that did.
And here you are.
And here it is; relationship ruin, staring into your exasperated, tear stained face.
Painful, isn't. Even if you've been fantasying about throwing in the towel, I mean its been getting pretty tense lately, there's a desperation deep in your soul. A ripping of your heart, when you stop and think about the mess you're in.
What happened to your great love?
We can put our whole life into a relationship. Our hopes, our dreams, our entire future hanging in the balance And yet the truth is, there are no guarantees. Oh I know, you think those words on paper, vows you called them, mean something. Darling, they're words. And if you get still and be honest, you'll see they're words that never really got backed up.
Life got in their way. It does that.
Relationships can be our greatest source of joy, and destruction and in or out of one, millions of people are suffering, miserable, lonely. loveless. Their love dead in the water.
So you want to save your relationship.
Or maybe you're not sure. I mean, have you honestly thought about why? Is practicality? It is convenience? Is it fear that keeps you holding on?
Or it is love?
- Do you truly love this person?
- Do you accept them wholly as they are, or do you just like the idea of them, how you want them to be?
- And if you love them, do you love them enough to let them go?
- And do you love yourself enough to walk away?
- And if you want to stay are you willing to do what it takes?
There's a cold hard truth about relationships, and that is if they're going down the toilet, there's really only one thing you can do, and that's flush it.
Hush now, its ok. Hear me out.
You're flushing that relationship away because it's already gone; as you know it anyway. The old relationship is dead. Darling, it didn't work. C'mon now, you've been shown that, consistently.
NOW what you need to understand is that if you still want this relationship, IT HAS TO BE NEW. It has to be what it wasn't. Because it can't be what it was.
Relationships are a creation; a manifestation. And they can be recreated. They can be made into something amazing, something wonderful, something so precious and joy producing. But once broken, they can't be as they once were. They have to be something new. Something not yet experienced.
They have to evolve, and that means you do too.
You can't go back. And you truly shouldn't want to. Because you weren't happy either. You couldn't possibly of been. Relationships are two way streets, they are a manifestation from both our inner worlds. There's only forward from here. And forward starts with something that right now might feel counter-intuitive; letting go.
I know, I know, that scares you with a million what ifs, You think letting go is saying goodbye, and maybe it is, for now. But clinging on will not work. You need to take a power-hose to this relationship and to everything in you that's manifested in it, and clear it all out.
Because you're clinging to a ghost; the relationship as you know it has already died, BUT what you're not yet seeing is the potential for resurrection and the greatest opportunity you'll have in your life to lift it from the ashes by using this crisis not just to recreate your relationship better than ever, (if that's what you want) but to recreate yourself as your greatest, most healed, happy, vibrant, truest, high vibing, magnetized self.
Man, THAT you, is amazing and utterly irresistible to the person who fell in love with you in the first place.
Now if you don't want to do that. If you don't want to recreate the relationship, or recreate yourself, then you'll stay where you are. Deteriorate even. And if your relationship survives it will deteriorate too.
If you want your relationship to work, if you want the love to thrive, to reignite, you need to be willing to create a new relationship that isn't entrenched in the same issues that drowned the last one into the toilet.
Right now that mightn't seem possible to you. You feel a sack of shit. I get it. Your confidence is shredded, you feel empty, angry, resentful and lost. And that's the perfect place to start.
Because only when you've come to the end of one road are you ready to take another. And this new road is the one you've yet to walk. Its the road of acceptance, and truth, and fearless love.
Relationships are delicate, like a flower. And truth is we handle them with rough hands, and when the going gets tough, hard hearts. We stop seeing the person, and instead see only the story we've created around them. We throw out harsh words onto them, dump our impatience, drown them in our fears, our insecurities, our disappointments.
No wonder they sink.
We're looking at relationships from a limited perspective. Seeing them as our salvation. Saving ourselves from ourselves. If we can love and be loved we'll be happy, we'll feel whole, wanted and worthy. But it's not long before the relationship brings out everything in us that needs saving. And it's at this point that we either make or start to break the relationship. And typically we start to blame the other, without realising that what we're meeting is our own sh*t.
The relationship is providing us with is the chance to see our stuff so we can heal it.
We can't hide from ourselves, though we try. We try to ignore our unresolved pain and achings from a past not yet put to rest. And we can't hide from the incompatibilities we didn't want to acknowledge, or the code orange or red behaviours that over time didn't magically dissolve. There was no invisible relationship fairy.
It's maybe hard to hear BUT truth is the antidote, and it's what you need right now. It's the hiding, the avoiding, it's the stories, perceptions, beliefs, it's the judgements, the fakery, the resentment, and every ounce of unresolved unconscious hurt inside you that's damaged the relationship.
And truth is the only thing that can save it now. That can save you now.
Not your opinion. Not your feels, not your story of how it needs to be, shouldve been or what you need to hear pr have heard. It's not what the other did or didn't do.
That's not truth.
Truth is stepping away from blame. Truth is letting go of the past. Truth is forgiveness, truth is simply being in the here and now. Truth is loving without condition. Truth is healing and owning and taking responsibility.
Truth is looking deeper, and seeing beneath the skin. It's vulnerability, it's opening our heart, and our minds. It's living from our soul.
Truth is the intimacy that few have truly dared to step into. We've never learned to be truly honest, not with ourselves, nor our partners. Oh we think we have. But every story, every belief, every perception is an obstacle to truth and to raw, real, soul aligned intimacy.
Sometimes it takes for our relationship to go down the toilet before we're willing to face these truths about ourselves about life about our failure to truly love for loves sakes.
Three years ago my relationship went down the toilet.
And in the three years since it did I've faced truths in myself I didn't even know existed. And I finally now know what unconditional love truly means.
I grew up from the flush. It drove me to unraveling myself right back to the authenticity I'd never yet lived.
Your crisis is an opportunity for you to discover what's really inside you that's manifesting as the chaos in your relationship. It's a catalyst that will drive you deep into healing, back to truth and lead you to true intimacy and love, first with yourself.
If you're ready to take this journey, if you want to save your relationship, yourself and your future, reach out connect for a free relationship crisis call and find out how I can help. There's so much more to your relationship than you're seeing. There's so much more you need to see. Don't be afraid to look.
Dawn Lee is a personal and spiritual intelligence coach ™, relationship and behaviour change expert and writer who helps smart, intuitive professionals get out of crisis and back into clarity. So they can live and love fearless. She helps other break through old mind patterns and connect back to their truest, most authenticity, powerful self, their soul.