So you’ve walked away, finally. Not easy; high five, sister.
Hey, I know it didn’t happen over night. It's taken a fair whack of heartache to get to this point. But the drama got too big, the cracks too wide, the shit too in your face obvious. You really didn’t have a choice.
Maybe it wasn’t you who pulled the pin, and now you’re silently kicking yourself for that. You're wondering why you didn’t get there first, because you know it should’ve been you who walked away.
You knew the relationship was going nowhere, giving you nothing and taking just about everything you had to give.
It should’ve been easy, only it wasn’t. It isn’t. And even though you’ve walked away, the connection's still strong. You keep wanting to go back, reach out, send a text, have a chat.
You want to see him one more time.
And the fantasy still creeps in ... maybe things'll be different. Maybe he’ll suddenly see the light, know what he’s missing, sort his sh*t out and come riding back in, sweeping you up into his arms.
And everything will be ok.
Everything will be back to how it was in the early days.
Ah the early days. By the way, I like to call them the travel brochure. The glossy imaginings of what life will look like with “me”. People put their best feet forward in the beginning of a relationship. What you see isn't always what you get.
You see what they want you to see, and often the more they have to hide, the sweeter the brochure appears.
Everything looks so wonderful, until you get to the destination and that 5 star resort you were sold, is nothing more than a run down 2 star motel. Piles of sh*t everywhere, plumbing leaks, oh and there's a rodent problem.
Didn’t look like that in brochure though, did it.
You might be tempted to think "well I'm here now, I’ll just make the best of it." But sister there's a flaw in that plan, because the best's been had and it's downhill from here.
This is the time to jump ship, cut your losses, pack your case and get the hell out of dodge.
Walking away is hard. It might be the end of the relationship, but it’s just the beginning of the breakup. You're going to feel shaken, anxious, uncomfortable. And you’ll question yourself.
"Have I done the right thing?"
"Was I too harsh and did I leave too soon?"
"What if he could change, what if it could've gotten better?"
"Should I give it another chance?"
And then you'll have these thoughts:
"What if he forgets about me?" ..
And dread of all dreads ... "what if he meets someone else?"
You're also likely still dealing with the aftermath of stress and anxiety from the events leading up to the breakup. It got messy in the end, didn't it. Out of control even.
But now you need to heal.
And the only way to do that is cut contact. You need to go cold turkey, because this relationship has become like a drug to you. The more drama, the more it had you hooked. This is one very real reason you’re struggling to stay away.
The body and mind actually become addicted to the roller coaster cycle of emotional highs and lows. Loved up one minute, at war the next. Your body is a chemical minefield, switching frantically between stress hormones of adrenalin and cortisol and the soothing love hormones of dopamine.
No wonder you're so confused.
You’ve been caught in this constant battle between fear and love and you’re desperate to get back to the good feeling. Because when it’s good, its so good.
Oh I know, I’ve been there too.
So now you have to wean yourself off, not just from the drama but from the connection. You miss the texting. You used to love those random messages, the little jokes, the funny memes. You miss talking, sharing your day, you miss the excitement.
You miss the fantasy.
And that’s why it’s crucial to keep coming back to reality. To keep seeing clearly that what you've really walked away from isn’t what was in the brochure, but more it's all the pain, lies, drama and disappointment. If you’re honest it's been destroying you for months, maybe even years.
You need to keep bringing yourself back to reality and WHY you've walked away. The writing was on the wall, maybe even since those very early days. Chances are there red flags and you missed them.
The deterioration was painful, the distance between you and of course in the back of your mind always a knowing that you were sacrificing the kind of loving relationship you deeply craved. The kind of loving, supportive relationship with a man who'd set your soul alight and turn the world upside down to shout from the rooftops that you're his love!
You may have thought you'd found him, from the brochure at least. But be honest, he didn't match up.
It's going to take a little time. You're going to have to be willing to sit in the discomfort, the abyss, the resistance.
You're going to have to be gentle with yourself, cry when you need to and up your self care. You're going to have stay strong and find love in other directions to fill up your cup.
But most of all you're going to have to stay loyal and committed to yourself, because to get commitment you need to be committed, and that starts with you.
If you want a solid, committed relationship you have to stick to your guns and when you walk away you have to mean it. You have to know that love doesn't hurt this way and that love is what you seek and love is what you'll sacrifice if you go back.
You have to find the self respect to not crawl, not to beg for his presence, be there for him in his moments of weakness or let yourself be used for sex or comfort. Because you'll hurt yourself darling, you'll destroy the little self esteem you have left.
He'll let you down, because if you don't value you he won't either.
And when you're ready you have to discover the underlying energies within you that brought this experience to you, because it's no coincidence. You have to dig deep, learn the lessons, make sure you don't take the baggage with you into your next relationship.
You owe to yourself now to ensure you don't keep meeting the same man. You need to discover your relationship pattern and the underlying beliefs that you hold about yourself and your worth that led you into such a destructive relationship.
And when you do find a good one you want to know ythat ou won't sabotage it.
For now your work is to stay focused on loving and respecting yourself enough to stay away. To allow time and space to work its healing magic and to evolve from this experience stronger, more aware, more awake, more aligned and ready to love again.
The love you want is out there, waiting for you to heal and align. And if you need help with that and with getting relationship ready reach out and connect. In the meantime, stay strong, and stay away.
Dawn Lee is a personal, professional & spiritual intelligence coach™ with a passion for melding psychology and spirituality. Dawn's expertise is leading others out of a personal or a relationship crisis and into extreme clarity to find happiness, peace, love and connection inside out. Her mission is to help shine a light of awareness in the world and connect others back to their happiest, truest, more fearless, loving soul-aligned selves. Discover how to work with Dawn.