If you're a serial relationshiper; if you believe there's something wrong with you if you're not in one, and if you're back on tinder before the inks dry on your latest dear John letter, you might be one of the many buying the myth that amongst other things, a relationship will bring you security.
The tuth is, a relationship won’t make you feel secure, YOU make you feel secure; or not, as is often the case.
Sorry to break it to ya, but relationship security’s a myth. Just like the Loch Ness monster or the boogieman who hides under the bed. There's really no such thing, because no matter how hard you try, you can't control life and you can't control other people. There's no real security in the external world, only in the inner.
Because nothing is promised; life is impermanent, we are impermanent, and change is inevitable, and that's ok
Security comes from within and if you’re seeking to feel secure by attaching yourself to another human being, honey, you’re gonna to be in for a bumpy ride. And there's a good chance you’ll come off the roller coaster more insecure and dishevelled than when you got on.
It’s nobody’s job to convince you that you’re worthy and that you're secure in this world. No one can anyway, because how you feel comes from inside of you, and whatever it is you’re believing.
And what you believe comes from a long history of harsh conditioning and faulty programming. It comes from how your parents treated you, what the kids at school whispered about you, and basically, who fucked with your emotions by hurting you.
No relationship will erase your history, if anything, relationships tend to make those already insecure worse; they create more insecurity, not less. Because relationships bring out our deepest fears, they bring our wounds to the surface. And if we're not secure in ourselves no relationship will make us feel otherwise, not in the long run.
Your starry eyed lover can drop a thousand solid reasons why you’re the most amazing person on the planet, but if deep down you don’t believe it, you’ll never truly believe that they do either.
You'll still be thinking it's your not-so-peachy-arse, or the flab on your belly, or the crookedness of your teeth, your big feet, your work-away job, your skills in the bedroom, your bank balance, your what-f*cking-evs, that's getting in the way of you feeling secure in your relationship.
It's none of those things.
Your weakest link is what you believe about who you are and how secure you are in yourself.
The strongest and most relationship ready you’ll ever be is when you’ve worked out that you're the source of your own security. You, already secure, already safe, already loved, by yourself. And therefore you don't need anyone for that.
You're in the relationship then not because you need it, because you want it. You desire it, for the love, for the fun, for the growth, for the great sex and the true connection that can only occur when you're not needing the other to fill you up, or make you feel ok about who you are.
You'll never feel secure being at the mercy of hoping someone else will do for you what you’re unable to do for yourself.
Slipping into security is like donning your best undies in your fittest bod, it's sexy AF (actually it's even more sexy than your undies and your best body, truly.) Oh sure, us human beings are visual creatures, but beyond that we're energy, and we connect at a much deeper level than our outer layer.
That might get your lovers attention, but it won't hold it.
You won't ever be as attractive as you are when you’re secure. You won't ever glow as much as you do when you’re content in your own skin and confident about your place in this world and in your relationship.
Inner security is a glue that bonds your lover to you.
Insecurity on the other hand is the wedge that drives you apart. It's the water thrown on the flames of passion; it kills more relationships than anything else.
The truth is our emotional world is our responsibility. It’s not up to someone else to manage that for us, they can’t. Your partner is most likely struggling to manage their own emotions and having to take on yours will eventually be too much.
Sure you want your partner's support, you want to know that you're loved and that you're appreciated, but your security doesn't depend on it. And if you're really not getting what you need, and you're secure in yourself, you'll walk away,. And knowing that is often all that's needed to spur your partner back into paying attention.
When you're secure you're powerful, you know you'll find better than someone who's giving you nothing. And you'd better believe they know it too.
This is precisely why when relationships end and you move forward with confidence you once again catch the eye of your old lover, who suddenly sees you in a different light. The light they first saw you in when you first met and appeared so confident and secure.
That's right, that's when you were are your most attractive.
Handing over the responsibility of our security to someone else screams that we don’t recognize how valuable we already are. And if we don't see it, why would someone else see it for us?
When you're secure, that is you know you're ok in the world, your relationship isn't a crutch, it's complimentary to who you both are.
And anyone lucky enough to couple you can be rest assured they’re getting the very best of you. And that you’re in it not to feel better about yourself, you're in it for the joy and the love and the mutual respect and admiration that since you're already secure, is a walk in the park for you.
That's the kind of relationship that people don't want to leave in a hurry.
How much of your energy is wasted worrying about your relationship security?
What would you being doing with all that precious energy if you were already secure in who you are, with or without somebody else?
If you didn't have to spend a moment worrying about trust, or commitment, or how you can make your partner love you more so you can feel more secure, what would your relationship look like?
There'd be more amazing moments; more sex, more joy, more laughter, more spontaneous fun, more intimacy, more honesty, more connection, more flow. There would be more love.
Insecurity is fear and fear kills love, if you're seeking security from someone else eventually you're going to end up more insecure when they can't give it to you, or when they take it away.
The what if’s will always creep in. The fear that the rug could be pulled out from under you at anytime will linger in back of your mind.
Get rid of the fucking rug.
Toss away the security blanket and build yourself a solid foundation to stand upon first. So that no matter what happens in or out of a relationship you're already secure in who you are. You KNOW you're ok.
Once you're secure in yourself, the love you can command will be like nothing you've experienced, because you'll align with others who are also secure, and gravitate towards their own reflection. Knowing full well that they can love you and enjoy all that the relationship brings without ever having to get sucked into the drama that insecurity manifests.
You'll also avoid the kind of arse-hole relationships with people who feed on your insecurity and use it to their own gain. You know the ones I'm talking about. These people are insecure too and they need other insecure people to manipulate in order to have the upper hand and feel strong instead of weak.
And together you'll board the co-dependancy train, imprisoned in the cycle of pain and drama and the make up sex and the fear and the confusion, and the drip feeding of attention, that all keep this toxic, failing relationship alive.
And really, by now, we all know how that ends.
The hour glass of time is slowly emptying on our existence. We take our chances with life every day, but as co-creators of our realities coming from a place of security gives us the very best shot of enjoying life and love to the max, whatever may be.
Your mission is to discover the well of security that lies in you.
And to do that you need to remove everything that's covering the well. You have to get to and work through and let go of all the old blocks and beliefs that make up the shadow that's dimming your powerful inner light.
Because make no mistake when you wade through the darkness, what you discover is the true inner being that you are, that you've always been.
You find yourself, your whole self, the self who's here on purpose. The self who knows, without question, that they're worthy. The self who know that they're a spark of the divine, an eternal soul projecting itself once again into the physical realm to experience, participate, grow, and to en-light-en through love as it edges ever closer to your true destiny of living connected to your power and manifesting your true essence.
And that my darling is the MOST SECURE you'll EVER feel.
Dawn Lee is a personal & spiritual intelligence coach, writer and modern-day oracle with a passion for melding psychology, coaching and spirituality. Dawn's expertise is helping others make peace with the past and reclaim happiness, love and connection from the inside out. Her mission is to help shine a light of awareness in the world and help guide those courageous enough to seek divine truth and wisdom, and the purpose of our human existence.